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In a new book out this week, Yolanda Hadid is speaking out about her multi-year battle with chronic neurological Lyme disease, even admitting that during a particularly low point around Miami circa 2014, the pain was so great that she didn’t care to go on.

“I write in the book [Believe Me: My Battle with the Invisible Disability of Lyme Disease] when I was naked in the ocean and just feeling so sick and at the end of my rope that I was just trying to be one with the universe,” she tells InStyle exclusively in the video above. “It was like, Okay just take me, I cannot live one more day with this pain.”

The thing that saved her? Her three kids, of course—IMG models Gigi, Bella, and Anwar Hadid.

“But in that same moment I also had a flash of my three children, going like no, that is such a selfish move to just let go and quit,” she says. “You just get so desperate. Being sick for three weeks is one thing, three months maybe, but when it turns into three years, four years, five years, you lose hope.”

She also admits that both Anwar and Bella—who not only appeared on an InStyle cover this past August, but has also become one of the world’s most in-demand models—also suffer from the disease. Though the world knows Bella as a sexy supermodel, she often comes home crying due to her pain and exhaustion.

“This child suffers every day, seven days a week,” says Hadid about her middle child. “But it’s really hard for people to understand because she forces herself, pushes herself to go to work, and I have her at home crying and in pain and I have to treat her. It’s very deceiving in a way.”

As detailed in Hadid’s book, the complications with chronic neurological Lyme are extensive and can vary from severe joint and muscle pain to memory loss and even cardiac issues. She went on a worldwide mission to find a cure, but unfortunately one doesn’t exist yet for those whose symptoms go undetected. According to the Center of Disease Control, most cases of Lyme disease can be treated successfully with a few weeks of antibiotics if caught early.

Watch the full video above for more and click here to pick up a copy of Yolanda’s book.