Just like on the show, your faves might not make it.

By Amanda Richards
Apr 11, 2019 @ 3:30 pm
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If I say “the best’ and “Game of Thrones” and “hair," I bet you think you know what I’m going to say next. Daenerys of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, The Unbleached, Queen of the Hairpiece and the Trimmed Ends, Khaleesi of the Platinum Blonde Sea, Protector of the Strand, Braider of Manes and Mother of Clip-Ins.

Then there’s Jon Snow and his Northern sadboy mop of moisturized curls that maintain their structural integrity regardless of climate, death or resurrection; the type of ringlets that make even a full-blown lesbian like me ready to risk it all.

Daenerys and Jon Snow have good hair. We get it. It is known.

But, if you let your thirst-goggles distract you, you’ll overlook characters with even better hair (feel free to @ me). In fact, when Game of Thrones season 8 starts on April 14, there are seven surviving characters with hair to die for — and by the end of season 8, many of them probably will. Below, check out the best heads of hair on Game of Thrones, ranked by the (high)light of the seven.

7.  Cersei Lannister

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Who among us hasn’t responded to a full-blown life crisis with a dramatic haircut? Sure, most of our life crises don’t involve the untimely deaths of our sociopathic child-kings, or the presence of a faux-humble theocrat threatening the power base of our kingdom. And yes, we typically visit salons occupied by kindly stylists, not murky dungeons occupied by a vengeful priestess. 

But hey. Potato, potato.

Point being, Cersei’s embrace and personal styling of her current short hair is inspired. We’ve all seen a pixie before, but somehow, Cersei managed to remove any trace of delicate, impish whimsy from the look for a more dead-eyed and murderous aesthetic — think less Audrey Hepburn and more Anton Chigurh. It goes great with a high-necked perforated leather dress, the kind you wear when ordering additional murders.

6. Missandei

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Missandei is the kind of woman I wish to be or wish to marry. She speaks multiple languages, remains calm in high-stress situations, and looks incredible in cut-out gowns, sarongs, and military gear. Daenerys’ closest advisor, translator, and friend also delivers the only natural curls we see on the show, repping for 3Cs everywhere. There is simply no scene in which Missandei’s curls don’t look perfectly diffused, glossy, and immaculate, and the sight of her makes me wish that I, too, were a handsome eunuch warrior.

5. Brienne of Tarth

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If Brienne of Tarth’s hair could talk, it would say it’s hard out here in Westeros, there’s no time for nonsense, and men are trash. Her short blonde crop is the only look that’s perfectly suited for cutting down a man to his constituent parts, and from my POV, that makes it a powerful, necessary female aesthetic.  She somehow keeps her icy-blonde shade from getting brassy throughout the bullshit, and the combed-back wet look is Very Extremely On Trend for Summer 2019. No one can touch Brienne’s hair — and not just because they can’t reach it.

RELATED: Kit Harington on What Comes After Game of Thrones

4. Sansa Stark

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Like Daenerys and Jon, Sansa has one of those iconic heads of hair that everyone talks about, and yes, the praise is well-deserved. The eldest Stark daughter’s loose red braid is truly lovely — honestly, I’d pay good money to brush it out at the end of the day while we talk about our feelings.

But that’s not why she made this list. Think back nauseously on the time Sansa spent traversing the countryside with Smolmouth — excuse me, Littlefinger. In order to disguise her identity, Sansa dyed her hair black. After she escaped the Ramsays and regained control of House Stark, she somehow instantly lifted that Garnier Nutrisse Color Creme out of her hair and restored the red to its natural glory. Any colorist who has ever failed at convincing a redhead  to stay true will tell you that’s no easy feat. We stan a DIY makeover in the comfort of your own fortress.

3. Lyanna Mormont

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The fate of Lyanna Mormont, the pint-sized boss bitch proudly leading a small but proud house of like, IDK, 10 people, is the only thing I really care about. And the only suitable hairstyle for dragging cis male scum who refuse to swear their fidelity to the King in the North? A severe middle part.

Lyanna doesn’t have time for the idiotic high-ponies and pigtails of your average middle schooler — instead, she chooses the no-nonsense chalk-white middle part of the ruler-wielding take-no-shit principal of that middle school. The severe middle part is the hair you wear when you want to inflict fear upon men and demand reverence from your subjects and stay on that Kim K. trend wave — a.k.a., my ideal look.

2. Tyrion

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Is everyone ready to talk about the fact that Tyrion’s Game of Thrones season one hair was truly problematic? In the pilot alone, he has two different and yet equally terrible hairstyles — what we know of as the first episode was actually assembled from footage of the troubled pilot, and footage filmed months later attempting to salvage it. Early Tyrion had a piecey bang, a chunky highlight, the mushroom-shaped coif of an Oasis cover band frontman. Sometimes it was curly, sometimes it was straight; all the time, it was fucking creepy.

Take some time to process that hair. Unpack that pain.

And now, prepare yourselves for the ultimate glow-up. These days, Tyrion is embracing his darker blonde shade, letting his curls find their natural pattern, and giving us a delicate face-framing moment for that ultra-sexual face scar. This is the hair of a man who has awakened to his purpose in life. It’s the hair of a man who is going to survive.

1. Tormund

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Is there anything more pure, more liberating, more utterly fucking erotic than the hair of a person who is committed to their passion (killing people) and enters into every situation as if he has nothing to lose? Tormund not only gives us a flowing, wild ginger mane, but a glorious fire-red beard. He’s a crazy-eyed stop sign dressed in the ragged grey skins of animals he’s killed personally, and tbqh, a sex symbol.  

Part of Tormund’s hair excellence is about his resources, or lack thereof. There are no stylists beyond the wall; there is no shampoo or conditioner or texturizing spray. There aren’t even any combs. And yet, here is Tormund, a perfect specimen of follicular excellence. He’s beauty, he’s brawn, he’s brains, and he’s hair — and if he doesn’t survive season eight, I solemnly vow to the many-faced god to go red in his honor.

 

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