By Lia Beck
Updated Jan 08, 2019 @ 10:30 am
Colton Virgin
Credit: ABC

Bachelor Mondays are back! But even for the biggest fans, the premiere of Colton Underwood’s reign as The Bachelor was a little — okay, a lot – much. It was three hours long. It included live segments with former stars that made it feel like a New Year’s Eve countdown show. It featured not one, but two fan proposals. But, most annoying of all, the references to Colton’s virginity would. not. stop.

I knew that Colton being a virgin would inevitably be mentioned at least a few times. After all, it was discussed when he was on Becca Kufrin’s season of The Bachelorette. It was a topic of conversation during his run on Bachelor in Paradise. There was even a 40-Year-Old Virgin-inspired promo poster for this season. However, the rate at which Colton’s virginity was mentioned on the season 23 premiere was almost...impressive? All while being decidedly obnoxious, of course.

In total, there were 27 whole ass references to the simple fact that Colton has not yet had sex with someone.

Colton might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but getting to know, well, anything else about him would make him a more interesting lead, and probably get more fans on board for his Journey with a Capital J. Hopefully, we’ll learn more at some point later on, but for now we get to hear about his virginity 27 times, all presented as if it's the most shocking thing in the world. It’s not, by the way — as Colton said on the show, sex just hasn't happened for him yet. Since he's gone so long without, now he’s waiting for the right person. Seems simple enough, right?

But it clearly isn’t — ABC definitely wants to make it A Thing. Don't believe me? Here are all of the times Colton’s virginity was mentioned, both directly and indirectly, on the season premiere.

1. Host Chris Harrison saying, “He just might lose something along the way.”

2. Chris saying the season “begins with a bang.”

3. A Bachelor fan holding a “Utah loves virgins” sign.

4. Chris saying, “Unlike any other season before, Colton really has something to lose.”

5. Jason “Should Have Been The Bachelor” Tartick saying Colton is “our first virgin bachelor.”

6. Ashley Iaconetti saying, “A lot has been made of Colton’s virginity, I’m just glad no one’s talking about mine anymore” and then asking a fan if too much is being made of it. (Yes, there is.)

7. A contestant saying she thought it was “awesome” that he’s a virgin, “but then I’m like… how?”

8. Contestant Heather: “I’ve never had sex before and I’ve never kissed anyone.”

9. Contestant Onyeka: “If I was the person Colton gave his virginity to, I would definitely bring out all the tricks.”

10. Contestant Demi: “I know that he’s a virgin, which is kind of concerning. If you only ever have a vanilla cupcake, how do you know you don’t like chocolate? How do you know you don’t like strawberry?” She added “I’m the damn confetti cake.” Okay!

11. Colton saying, “I am the first virgin Bachelor and it’s crazy to think about that.”

12. Chris asking Colton, “How much of the negativity and ‘he’s not ready’ do you think has to do with your virginity?” and then offering up that people might think, “He’s not a man.”

13. Blake Horstmann saying, “Here’s to virgins and virgin cocktails!”

14. Chris saying, “Will Colton find the love of his life? Will he lose his virginity along the way?”

15. Kaitlyn Bristowe joking, “Did you know that dolphins are the only mammals like humans that enjoy sex... unlike Colton?”

16. Demi saying, “I have not dated a virgin since I was 12, I’m excited to give it another shot.”

17. Contestant Caitlin introducing herself, “Now that I’ve popped your cherry, we don’t need to talk about virginity anymore.”

(Spoiler: Everyone did. Many more times.)

18. A contestant saying, “I think I just took your V-card.”

19. Contestant Sloth/Alex: “I heard you take things slowly.”

20. Contestant Erika: “Everyone knows you're a virgin. Why?”

21. Contestant Miss North Carolina: “He kisses really well for a virgin.”

And moving on to the preview of the season…

22. A contestant saying, “So first, you’re going to get lei’d” while putting a lei on Colton. Of course.

23. A contestant (possibly Miss Alabama? Yes, there are two pageant queens with state titles) saying, “Colton being a virgin is awesome.”

24. Contestant Catherine saying, “I wonder if someone is going to be sleeping with him.”

25. Someone — who knows at this point — saying, “Let’s be wild. Let’s be crazy. Let’s have sex places were not supposed to have sex.”

26. Colton saying, “Sexual intimacy is a big part of any relationship.”

27. A contestant asking and answering, “Did Colton lose his virginity in Singapore? Maybe.”

Twenty-seven times is a lot, but for those watching? I can promise you, it felt like more. Will The Bachelor outdo itself next episode with even more mentions of Colton's virginity? Only time will tell. Here's hoping the show moves on to greener, less problematic pastures — but if it doesn't, I guess I'll be here keeping count.