Here's What Last Night's Absurdly Long Makeout Tells Us About The Bachelorette Finale
Luke may have gotten some on-screen action, but don't get too attached.
Last night on The Colton Underwood Palate Cleanser — otherwise known as The Bachelorette — we shared our first intimate, nationally televised moments with Hannah Brown and her 30 suitors.
Unlike the season premieres we’ve seen before, the producers really let Hannah’s goofy, often times confused, and honest personality show. Hannah couldn’t contain her laughter as she roamed fields and stared off into the distance, a clear directive from the producers. Cracking up, she told the cameras, "I don't know what to do with my hands!" This minor bit of authenticity and fourth wall break is the exact energy Hannah’s bringing to this season. She leads with her heart and gut, then thinks about it later, which is why we may already know who will get her final rose.
First, let's take a look at what went down during the premiere. After a not so shocking early elimination of Scott, the guy who apparently had a girlfriend who he promised a vacation once he wrapped filming The Bachelorette (Hannah’s former Bachelor pals, Demi Burnett and Katie Morton, alerted her from a conspicuous van outside of the mansion), Hannah was shocked, hurt and disappointed. The moment tapped into her worst fear: Some of the men were not there for (say it with me!) The Right Reasons.
But, never fear. Her desire for a man who wants Hannah for Hannah manifested itself in the form of First Impression Rose winner Luke Parker. He met Hannah even before filming began on her season, during After the Final Rose. During the premiere he told her, “I’m seriously really, really interested in you. You have some catching up to do.” Apparently, he’s been pining for her since episode one of The Bachelor — and he’s also set on finding a wife.
Before Luke arrived to the mansion on night one, he was one of the lucky few to have a pre-taped introduction. He admitted that he was once a womanizer of sorts, but Jesus turned him around. "I was in the shower and God was speaking to me," he says, "I realized that I wasn't the man that I wanted to be and I've been working on the husband that I want to be for my future wife."
His proud Christianity is a plus, because Hannah is religious as well. Oftentimes leading with her faith, Hannah was seen whispering a prayer as she paced near the pool during the night’s activities. Like Luke, Hannah doesn’t think her past sexual dalliances effect Jesus’s love for her. In a trailer for the season, she proclaims, “I have had sex and Jesus still loves me!”
Perhaps this common bond allowed for Hannah and Luke to share that steamy night one makeout. Luke was the first man to comfort Hannah after she sent Scott home, telling her, "I just want you to know that I am here for you. I'm not here to win a couple roses. I'm here to win your heart." For his generosity, Hannah gifted him with the First Impression Rose and at least four tablespoons of her saliva during a full 25 second makeout, which could have been the longest first impression kiss ever.
So what does it all mean for the future of Hannah's season? Before I continue on, I must warn you that spoilers are coming.
According to Reality Steve, Luke makes it to the final four, and almost shares a Fantasy Suite date with Hannah in Greece. He writes, “On Luke’s overnight, something happened, and she sent Luke home before the actual overnight portion.”
It’s possible that the trailer teasing Luke as the ultra-villain of the season has something to do with this incident.
One contestant, Mike J., says “We all know that Luke P. is an evil, pathological liar.” Then, to Luke himself, Mike J. says, “You’re violent; you’re aggressive; you are a psychopath.” These accusations are passed along to Hannah, who, in the teaser, asks Luke, “Why does every single guy here dislike you?”
I have one theory, it could be because he defends himself in an aggressive manner, screaming at one of Hannah’s men, “I’ve been nothing but truthful and YOU ARE NOT GONNA MESS IT UP!”
Luke could go far in the show, or he could have a spectacular downfall — either way, I'll be watching to find out. Until then, roll tide. Did I do that right?