AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, from left: Mark Ruffalo, Scarlett Johansson, Robert Downey Jr., Chris

One of the many appealing things about superheroes is that they are both super and heroic. Many have skills and strength that exceed the limits of natural human achievement. Some are incredibly wealthy. However, as we, as a nation, pause to consider the latest installment in the Avenger series, we would do well to ponder: Which Avenger would you date?

Iron Man

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man, 2015. ph: Jay Maidment / © Walt

Real Name: Tony Stark

Pros: As the CEO of Stark Enterprises, Tony is both incredibly wealthy and powerful, even without the costume. At 50, he’s also quite mature in some ways and probably isn’t all that into Tinder and stuff like that.

Cons: As is so often the case, his brash personality is a coping mechanism for some deep-seated insecurities (fear of dying, father issues.) He also, literally, hides behind a metal suit, both physically and emotionally.


AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, Chris Hemsworth as Thor, 2015. ph: Jay Maidment / © Walt Disney Studios

Real Name: Thor

Pros: Mostly this GIF

Cons: Since Thor grew up on Asgard, he probably lacks a whole bunch of cultural references (everything from Full House to To Kill a Mockingbird, for instance), which makes conversation difficult. Also, though he comes from a royal family, his brother, Loki, is kind of a mess. Finally, he may be dumb as bricks.

Captain America

AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, Chris Evans as Captain America, 2015. ph: Jay Maidment / © Walt Disney

Real Name: Steven Rogers

Pros: Since Rogers is technically a part of the Greatest Generation, he insists on old-timey manners. He is chivalrous and caring. Also, he is pure-at-heart to the point of naiveté, which is a turn-on, I guess.

Cons: Relatively conservative view of gender norms. He’s also quite jingoistic (his name is Captain America) and it isn’t clear if the chemical processes he underwent to transform from a scrawny soldier into man meat, had any adverse effect on his ability to reproduce.


AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), 2015. ©Walt Disney Pictures/courtesy

Real Name: Bruce Banner

Pros: Banner is a mild-mannered scientist (when he’s not the Hulk). So a date might consist of a trip to the American Museum of Natural History, then lunch at Shake Shack and wandering around Central Park. Dr. Banner could probably identify trees and also bird calls.

Cons: The pretty massive con here are Banner’s dissociative anger issues. He literally turns into a monster when pushed. This also means that he is constantly buying new clothes since he shreds the ones he is in.


AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye/Clint Barton, 2015. ph: Jay Maidment / © Walt

Real name: Clint Barton

Pros: Alone among the Avengers, Clint is all human, just very well trained. He also grew up in the circus so could tell tales of life on a circus train, which I’m sure is pretty rad.

Cons: He’s kind of a B-list Avenger. Also, since he is human, just wait until he hits middle age and gives up training so hard, and just listens to podcasts and whatever.