By Isabel Jones
Nov 01, 2018 @ 2:00 pm

On October 31, 2018, I, a mere mortal, attended Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween party.

As a journalist who doesn’t also have a modeling contract or studio production deal, my evening began on the red carpet — and not the fun side.

My fellow reporters and I waited for hours for a costume-clad A-lister to deign to speak with us — few did, one publicist even told our cold and sober row that their client wouldn’t be doing interviews because, “they just want to have fun tonight.” Journalists hate fun, so we couldn’t relate.

The early evening moved with a similar flow until around 10 p.m. when we were told to angle out from the carpet — Heidi was arriving. You know that moment during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade when Santa comes through on his sleigh and the moderators freak tf out? It was like that, multiplied by 10, set to a seemingly endless loop of Smash Mouth.

Heidi and her boyfriend, Tom Kaulitz, dressed as Fiona and Shrek, respectively, arrived outside Lavo in N.Y.C. in a horse-drawn carriage resembling an onion (ogres have layers!) — and yes, “All Star” was blasting and will now forever be stuck in my head.

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The Halloween Queen even brought a carriage filled with adorable baby ogres.

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Ever the gracious host, Heidi spoke with every single publication on the carpet, indulging in a few adorable ogre kisses with her S.O. along the way.

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“I always loved this movie, but in order to do a couples thing, I needed someone to do that with. And now that I’ve found my Shrek, I could finally do Fiona,” she told us.

The party, sponsored by Party City and SVEDKA Vodka, is Klum’s 19th to date, and she wears her Halloween crown with pride. In fact, the model and TV personality has even inspired her children (Helene, 14, Henry, 13, Johan, 11, and Lou, 9) to go all out for the holiday. “My kids are really into it. Let’s not start gluing prosthetics on my little kids’ faces, but if they could they probably would,” she said.

One of the evening’s other “It” couples was Bella Hadid and The Weeknd. Dressed as Lydia and Beetlejuice, the pair shuffled past dozens of paparazzi screaming in their direction as they entered the club. The photo mob was so crazed that they just started moving backward without any regard to space (as in, THE ROW OF REPORTERS STANDING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM). They literally crashed into us, knocking me and others over. But judging by the internet this morning, they got the shot …

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RELATED: Relive Heidi Klum’s Best and Wackiest Halloween Costumes Through the Years

Inside, things were similarly rowdy. The club was covered wall-to-wall, square-inch-to-square-inch with people — in the “common areas,” that is. The outer perimeter of the floor was roped off for VIPs, and seemed much roomier — more of a “one drink spilled down my dress” than “three drinks spilled down my dress” situation. Heidi and Zac Posen made occasional pilgrimages down to us sweaty normals, but for the most part, everyone “of note” (Lupita Nyong’o, Winnie Harlowe, Ice-T and Coco, Padma Lakshmi, Mike Meyers, Neil Patrick Harris, etc., etc.) kept to their wristband-only quarters.

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Though I only made it in in time for one of SVEDKA’s signature drinks, the “Swamp-tini,” I must say it was delicious. I could’ve downed the cucumber-y concoction all night — which is probably why the signature drinks supply was depleted by 11.

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The music, curated by Questlove (Shark), was, naturally on-point — any party that plays “American Boy” in 2018 has my seal of approval.

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Honestly, my biggest gripe about the party just proves how disgustingly millennial I am: the open bar closed at midnight. Good music and an energetic atmosphere is great, but when the drinks return to New York prices, I’d rather be grooving to Estelle in the comfort of my own home.