By Samantha Simon
Updated Dec 31, 2014 @ 2:15 pm
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If life is one big popularity contest, then The Social Climber’s Bible is your secret weapon to win the grand prize. Written by novelist-screenwriter Dirk Wittenborn and his niece, Johnson & Johnson heiress Jazz Johnson, the LOL-worthy guide ($20, offers practical tips for stepping up your social game and landing the privileged elite friends (A.K.A. the “Big Fish”) of your superficial dreams.

To help you brush up on your party-going skills before gracing this year’s hottest New Year’s Eve party with your presence, we’ve excerpted our favorite words of wisdom from the book’s appropriately titled “How to Get More Out of a Cocktail Party Than a Hangover” chapter. And be sure to have your game face on from the minute you walk into the room. Wittenborn and Johnson write:

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Once you’ve broken the ice—hopefully in an appropriate manner—it’s time to get better acquainted. But be careful when fishing for information about your new party pals, as there are some topics that are simply off-limits. According to The Social Climber's Bible:

And there you have it. Your climb to the top of the socialite mountain has officially begun.