With just one week left until Becca sheds the title of Bachelorette for fiancé, the Men Tell All episode is upon us. While it usually delivers a reliable "meh," I have high hopes for this one, not least because Jordan the pot-stirrer/model will be back. This season was packed with bizarre drama, and because so much of Becca's suitors' eyebrow-raising behavior took place offscreen — or rather online, not on the show — we have a lot of unanswered questions that will most likely be tackled at the boys' get-together tonight.
So, which points of drama from this research experiment season can you look forward to Becca's suitors telling all about? Well, I’ll tell you.
The Truth About Joe the Grocer
Listen, Joe 'the Grocer' Amabile was my personal fave, even before he stepped out of the limo on night one. From his picture and ABC-equivalent of a Bumble profile alone, he seemed cute, responsible, and employed. Unlike me, Becca didn’t really appreciate any of these qualities and, to America's great dismay, sent him home on night one. If you’re reading this, I’m sure you know that Joe the Grocer’s legacy has lived on, and he’ll be seen on both tonight’s Tell All and on Bachelor in Paradise. Plus, he’s been memed and marketed to within an inch of his life — with Joe the Grocer apparel and all — so he’s doing alright.
Still, I can’t help but wonder ... did Joe the Grocer step out of that limo for all the right reasons? Or did he secretly suspect he’d be the franchise's next Wells, a.k.a the former Bachelorette contestant and BiP bartender who was too normal to be there but too cute for us to let him go? And why did Becca cut him so early? Did he say something off-color in a scene we didn't catch? Is his handshake limp? Does he have bad breath? We need to know.
Who Spends More Time on His Hair — Leo, Jordan, or Jason?
Even before this season started, we were (or at least I was) worked all the way up about Leo’s perfect, long, and magnificent locks of hair. Simply put, it was perfection whether it was tossed up in a bun or simply hanging down his ripped back and broad shoulders. But, how much effort did Leo really put it to keep his hair so on point? I mean, did he take longer to get ready than Jordan, who demonstrated his hair-slicking methods (part of his "professionality") in my now-favorite meme, or even Jason, whose hair is never not gelled back like an animated villain? We demand answers!
On the show, the juiciest drama most definitely revolved around Becca’s apparent BFF and former competitor for Arie's heart Tia and Colton. Colton fessed up that shortly before filming for Becca's season began, he had feelings for Tia and spent a sex-free (remember, Colton is a virgin — another talking point sure to be discussed) romantic weekend with her. After some careful consideration, Becca decided to keep Colton in the race anyway; he even made it to hometowns. However, Tia finally told Becca that she still has feelings for Colton, so Becca gave him the boot. It's pretty clear where Becca and Tia landed in this love triangle, but what about Colton? Did he audition for the show in the first place hoping Tia would be cast as the Bachelorette? Did he dump her as soon as he found out he made it onto the show because he's more about fame than romance? And, as a virgin, was he hoping to lose his V-card in the fantasy suite? Big questions that need big answers because Tia and Colton have been seen cuddled up in Paradise.
Is Chris Actually Crazy Eddie?
One of the most dramatic moments of this season in my personal viewing experience was the realization that super villain Chris R. looks exactly like Crazy Eddie from Friends. I demand to know whether Chris and Crazy Eddie actor Adam Goldberg have ever appeared in the same room together and am low-key upset that Becca didn't use their one-on-one time together to get the juiciest scoops on what the set of Friends was like back in the day. Honestly, similar gripes regarding Jason and his teen dream doppelganger Andrew Keegan.
Is Jean Blanc, the Colognoisseur, a Con Artiste?
Jean Blanc was supposed to be one of the great ones, until he reneged on his confession that he was falling for Becca. You'll recall that Jean told Becca he was developing strong feelings for her, but right after she said it wasn't going to work out, he was all, JK, I actually don't like-you like you. Which was either a petty way to protect his hurt ego or an admission that he faked his feelings for her from the start to get some PR play for his career. The Colognoissuer we didn’t know we needed seemed genuine and like he was on the show for the right reasons at first, but this facade cracked further when he released a perfume on the morning of his last episode of the season, and gifted Becca a bottle of said perfume — named "Miss Becca Blanc" — during the show.
So what was his real motivation? Is he still looking for love? And did Becca keep, or even wear, Miss Becca Blanc on any of her subsequent dates?
Jury’s Out on Jordan
Listen, I’ve seen my fair share of extra people, especially on reality TV, but this season Jordan took the term to new heights, giving any Hollywood diva a run for their money. Was Jordan’s model act — and his extremely awkward rivalry with chicken guy David — 100 percent legit, or all for show? If it is an act, this man needs and Emmy STAT. If not, then he needs a prayer circle.
David's Night Terrors
Speaking of our favorite chicken guy, one of the saddest moments this season was when David was carried out of the mansion on a stretcher with a bloodied face and rushed to the ER. Did Jordan finally lose it and punch him? No. Did this grown man fall out of a bunk bed? Yes. Or so he says. The worst bunk bed-related injury I’ve ever seen was when my sister fell out of ours in the '90s, and all she was left with was a bad attitude. So, please forgive me if I question what really happened that night in the haunted mansion. Did David really fall ... or was he pushed? We can't rule anything out.
Did Clay Make a Full Recovery?
Poor Clay. I nearly shed a tear when this professional football player injured his wrist while playing football during a group date. Clay was hurt so badly that he needed to exit the show immediately for surgery. If he hadn't, he would have run the risk of never playing football again — an extremely tough spot to be in for a professional athlete looking for a WAG. I'd like to know how he handled that sort of disqualifying heartbreak? And how long would he have stuck around if it weren't for that pesky accident? Is he trying to sue? How did he handle the incident and all that let down? Did his wrist heal at least?
Is Becca Going to Dump Both Finalists and Run Off with a Musician?
If her dates this season indicated anything, it’s that Becca was hoping one of her men would be a rock star. From songwriting dates to making her men perform original songs for her to a studio session with Wayne Newton, Becca is obviousy hoping that next year, her boo will bring her as a date to the Grammys. Unfortunately, by the sounds of it, I doubt Garrett or Blake will be able to fulfill this dream of hers. Does Becca just want to date a musician?
Garrett's Political Views
Garrett's history of liking racist and sexist Instagram memes is sure to take a front seat during the Tell All. He's suspected to be the frontrunner, so did politics just, like, never come up before Becca got engaged? And how will the other guys feel about the controversy? Will he defend himself, and has he changed his views?
How Did Lincoln Slip Through the Cracks?
But all this drama is minor league compared to the elephant in the room. This one's for ABC: How the heck did Lincoln, who was convicted of sexual assault for an incident that was reported before this season filmed, make it into the running?
Here's to hoping all of these questions get answered on tonight's special episode — and to hoping that, with all of this mega-drama to unpack, there still be some time to talk about Jordan’s gold booty shorts, because there is just so much we want to know.