Dear Michelle Williams’s Hair,
This is a little bit awkward, but here goes: I’ve been thinking about you for a long time. You probably never noticed me, but one time I saw you at my local dry cleaner and you were pulled back rather nonchalantly into a short ponytail, strands falling to the side, and I thought of course you look like that off duty.
Anyway—I’ve followed your transformation ever since. That pixie? Wow. Did you notice how everyone started bleaching their hair platinum after that? I was one of them. I brought a picture of you at Cannes as inspiration to the salon. I remember in the photo you were next to Ryan Gosling, and I totally wasn’t even concentrating on Ryan Gosling! That’s how good you looked! I even contemplated getting the crop, but I’m not as brave as you. I’m terrified for some reason that if I cut off all my hair I’ll suddenly look in the mirror and realize that I don’t have any bone structure—that my face is just one giant blob with eyes and a nose.
I was sort of nervous and a little upset when I noticed that you were growing it out. But how could I doubt you? The messy, piecey bob that’s plastered all over the Louis Vuitton ads? The style you wore in Cabaret? Oh, boy. This is the stuff hair dreams are made of. And now—after taking quite a bit of time to grow my hair out and cut bangs in an attempt to look more Bardot-y—I’m considering throwing in the towel and bringing a photo of your latest incarnation to the salon once more.
All of this is to say: You’ve done good work for the pale blonde girls of the world who want to look pretty but also cool and not boring. So, thank you for that! And keep up the good work. I’ll be watching, in as non-creepy a way as possible.