Conspiracy Theory: Meghan Markle's Fiji Engagement Was Cut Short Because She Broke Royal Shoe Protocol

Though it may seem the stuffy restrictions put in place by the monarchy have faded away in the modern era (Meghan’s a pants-wearing divorcee, after all), the various guidelines of royal fashion etiquette are still very much in effect, and — more or less —adhered to.

It’s not a rule, per se, but it’s known among the family (and the press) that Queen Elizabeth “isn’t a fan of wedged shoes,” and thus female royals avoid wearing the style in her presence, and rarely even wear them at all.

While I’m not a proponent of telling anyone what they can or can’t wear (except, you know, blackface — ahem, Megyn Kelly), I’m kind of on the Queen’s side. Though a comfortable alternative to a stiletto heel, I think wedges are pretty ugly, and totally lacking in the regality of your typical pump. That being said … Have any more grandsons for me to marry, Liz?

Anyway, thousands of miles from the palace, in Fiji, Meghan Markle was greeting vendors and fans at a market in Suva when her visit was cut short — reduced from the scheduled 15 minutes to a mere 6. According to reports, the engagement was abbreviated due to a “security risk” resulting from overcrowding, but we have a different theory: it was her shoes.

Markle arrived at Suva Market in a printed pink Figue dress ($1,495; modaoperandi.com) and a pair of Castañer espadrille wedges (!!!) ($120; net-a-porter.com). The Duchess of Sussex wore the same shoes last week at Bondi Beach, so we’re assuming the Queen has been on high wedge alert ever since.

So, those six minutes that Meghan was at the market … ? We’re going to guess that was how long it took for word of Markle’s shoe pas to make its way to the palace. And then Queen E got on the phone MI6 style and was all like “Get Meghan to the extraction point! Abort mission! ABORT!”

Queen E sees all.