By Allie Volpe
Jan 08, 2019 @ 9:00 pm
SEBASTIAN KIM/MTV

In 2006, Lindsay Lohan was escorted out of Butter, an infamous New York City restaurant and nightclub, after she pissed off P. Diddy. In 2007, Lohan was spotted, again, in a club, reportedly trying to open a bottle of Grey Goose with her teeth. By 2009, she was falling out of bars. The injuries didn’t stop there; A waitress at a club in LA hit Lohan in the face in 2010.

Suffice it to say, many of Lindsay Lohan’s most memorable moments have taken place in the nightlife universe. Given her familiarity with the club ecosystem, it’s perhaps unsurprising that Lohan would open a high-end drama factory of her own. After entering the nightclub market with a VIP hotspot in Athens, Greece, Lohan debuted Lohan Beach House in Mykonos, Greece a sandy slice of paradise on the beach. It’s here where the new MTV reality show Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club, premiering Jan. 8, is set.

However, this is not a show about Lindsay Lohan, the party girl getting punched in the face and angering Sean Combs. This is a show about Lindsay Lohan, the savage entrepreneur.

Sebastian Kim/MTV

More Real World than The Apprentice, Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club features a cast of American “VIP hosts” — nightlife pros who’s previous job experience includes mixing drinks for celebs and coaxing the rich and beautiful into spending money on bottle service — aiming to impress their new boss and her business partner Panos Spentzos. The plot is driven by the employees' desire to stay on Lohan’s good side by earning money for the club, whether that be through fancy cabana upgrades or bottle sales. There are no weekly challenges, and no eliminations. The only winner is Lindsay Lohan.

In theory, this show shouldn’t be particularly enticing. It should lack any tension or buildup. In a prestige television world, it shouldn’t be this entertaining to watch beautiful people tend to the whims of the VIP Beach House guests.

But it is.

The show opens with a brief newsreel montage of Lohan’s transgressions: a DUI, her partying ways, her work style (read: difficult to work with). “Now I wanna do things differently,” Lohan says. “I want to be my own boss.” This sentiment is immediately at odds with the Lindsay Lohan the public has come to know over the last decade. Could Lohan truly be reformed and ready to manage others’ careers?

Beach Club works hard to fulfill the Lohan-as-resolute-leader narrative. Upon arriving to their lodgings in Mykonos, the Beach House employees immediately drink their entire home alcohol supply, strip to their skivvies, and take a dip in the pool. Lohan and Spentzos make a surprise home visit to meet their new hires and are horrified at the scene: Drunken, tanned and toned bodies flailing throughout the yard, watching the impending hangovers, which are sure to put a damper on the fast-approaching work day, take root before their eyes. 

But Lohan has supposedly learned from her hard-partying ways and wants to guide her employees on a path of betterment: “I know what it’s like to be left to your own devices and not have someone there to be like, ‘Wait, what’s worth it?’” In fact, Lohan is full of advice. She scolds Gabi, a waitress, for wearing only a bra during their first meeting.“It’s like me going to meet Steven Spielberg in a bra and wet hair and wet bikini shorts," she says.

In other words, not a great move.

Perhaps the most entertaining aspect of Lohan and Spentzos’ managerial style is the fact that they do not see their employees as anything other than money-making hotties. They routinely forget the workers’ names, referring to them by physical features, and only dole out praise when they’ve made a sale. Spentzos is prepared to fire anyone at a moment’s notice. He is comically aloof enough that, while addressing the VIP hosts and leading them on a tour of the sandy property, he leaves one ear bud resting soundly in his ear. What is Spentzos listening to? ASMR videos? A house mix? Lindsay Lohan spoken word?

Of course, though she makes select interactions with her employees, Lohan is the show’s main focus: Everything the VIP hosts do is an act of service to their Lord and Savior LiLo — including changing their hair, clothing, and personalities if need be. Early on in the episode, a ripped bartender named Mike comes to this realization, noting “I’m used to these dirty-ass clubs in New York and LA… I felt like I was some chic god walking into this place, when really, I’m nothing but trash.”

The simple joy of Lohan’s Beach Club comes from watching the cast members try to mask their inner trash in order to be noticed by their queen. Their efforts are half-hearted at best, but their shortcomings allow ample opportunity for Lohan to act as their savior, their wise sage, their hashtag goals, and — above all — their business-minded boss. And at Beach Club, Lindsay Lohan is the best boss —  according to Lindsay Lohan, that is.