Why Is Everyone Talking About a Maybe-Fake Justin Bieber and a Burrito?
Imagine: It's a crisp fall day and you're out and about, taking in the changing foliage while snapping iPhone photos of pretty fall leaves that you'll never actually post to Instagram — when suddenly, hunger strikes.
You wonder, how best to tame your growling stomach while still enjoying your autumnal stroll? You're craving something warm, yet portable; filling, yet well-balanced — a mix of protein, carbs and veggies. How about ... a burrito! Yes. The perfect choice.
Fast forward. You've acquired said burrito and found yourself a quiet park bench on which to enjoy your all-in-one meal while still observing #nature. Now, look down. How are you cradling your Mexican delicacy? If you're like 99% of the population, the cylindrical snack is vertical, the foil peeled down around its sides like a chubby, carb-y banana. Right? Of course I'm right. This is not up for debate.
Or so I thought.
Which brings us to this offensive image. (Trigger warning: This photo contains a graphic depiction of a man resembling Justin Bieber eating a burrito in a Very Wrong Way.)
I know. I know.
Before we get to the wrongness that is a horizontal burrito, let's get this out of the way: We can neither confirm nor deny that the offending man in the above photo is pop superstar and newlywed, Justin Drew Bieber. He could be any rando in a pink hoodie with a mop of disheveled blonde tresses tucked under a beanie.
But that's really not the issue here. To get back to what really matters: How the burrito is being eaten.
As detailed in this very helpful illustrated WikiHow guide, a standard burrito (ie. not a wet burrito) should be eaten vertically, with the wrapper slowly removed as you make your way from top to bottom. It's science. (Editor's note: It is not literally science.)
Don't listen to the naysayers who might tell you things like, "It's okay to eat a burrito from the middle." Ignore people like cookbook author Christine Teigen, who came to maybe-Bieber's defense, claiming that starting in the middle is "the only way [burritos] should be eaten," because, "ends are just carb factories."
InStyle.com's own beauty editor, Erin Lukas, disputes Teigen's claim: "Her logic is flawed, because if you wanted the deliciousness of a burrito but were concerned about carbs, you could get a burrito bowl."
Rachel Otero, InStyle's social media editor, has yet another solution for the aforementioned "carb factories" that are burrito ends. "I always rip off the end of the burrito before I start eating it," she says, citing the tortilla-to-filling ratio as unacceptable.
I would like to point out that, personally, I think both of the above are also Wrong Ways to Eat a Burrito, but I'll save that diatribe for another essay.
I'm not alone in my belief that this possibly fake Bieber is making a major burrito misstep. Here, the internet compares the mystery man to other noted food offenders, including Michael Bublé and George Costanza.
Now, you might be asking, who cares? Why does this matter? Why did I even click on this article to begin with? The answer, my fellow burrito eaters, is I don't know. Perhaps we're all just seeking distraction from news of bombs and other issues that are literally tearing our country apart. While partisanship has us embroiled in divisive political rhetoric, we want some lighter (er, carb-ier?) fare.
Let us have our burrito debate, okay?