Joan Rivers Dies at 81: 10 Funny Quotes from the Legendary Comedienne
Today we remember legendary comedienne Joan Rivers, who died this afternoon at 81 years old after complications from throat surgery last week.
"It is with great sadness that I announce the death of my mother, Joan Rivers," her daughter Melissa said in a statement obtained by People. "She passed peacefully at 1:17pm surrounded by family and close friends."
The Emmy award-winning star had a snappy tongue and incomparable wit that made her a mainstay in the entertainment industry. With an insurmountable number of projects in play, including hosting E!’s Fashion Police, web-series In Bed with Joan, and reality TV series Melissa & Joan: Joan Knows Best?, Rivers was a one-woman one-liner powerhouse. We listened in on her less-than-politically-correct musings from interviews, clips, and stand-ups, and rounded up 10 memorable lines below (including quotes from our recent exclusive interview with the star).
1. On shapewear: "My grandson is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It’s a lot, but there’s a lot going on here." —in an interview with David Letterman
2. On aging: "Old women are suctioned to the ground. Boobs, out of a brassiere, in the morning, it just goes. I use my left boob as a stopper in the tub." —stand-up at Live at the Apollo
3. On engagement rings: "Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it’s garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians—the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all." —stand-up at Live at the Apollo
4. On marriage: "You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money." —stand-up at Live at the Apollo
5. On education: "Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card." —stand-up at Live at the Apollo
6. On Botox: "I love plastic surgery." —stand-up at Live at the Apollo
7. On redressing the Virgin Mary: "I put her in a Chanel suit, Manolo Blahniks, and a Louis Vuitton pocketbook. You’re the mother of God, look it! If she had looked like that, she would’ve gotten into the inn. The point is, it’s about looks." —stand-up at Live at the Apollo
8. On herself: "I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life. Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade. My gynecologist examines me by telephone." —stand-up at Live at the Apollo
9. On Breakfast: "I’ll eat cold pizza or whatever’s in there" —to InStyle
10. On Her Hopes for Red Carpet Fashion: "More ball gowns. Come on, guys, dress it up! Enough with the sheath, enough with the little spaghetti straps. It’s showbiz! Do it up!" —to InStyle
--Reporting by Claire Stern