ABC
Mariah Smith
Jul 16, 2018 @ 4:45 pm

At long last, Becca Kufrin has narrowed her dating pool to the coveted final four on this tour de boring season of The Bachelorette. Last week we she said goodbye to Leo and his luxurious mane of hair, and Wills in all of his magnificent, monotone, and mono-emotion glory. We’re now left with the obvious front runners, Garrett and Blake, and the surprise picks, Colton and Jason.

Throughout the season, I’ve done a deep dive of each of Becca’s boyfriends on social media, save for Garrett because the Internet beat me to it (spoiler alert: he’s a bigot). But, what I haven’t compiled—until now—is an official power ranking of Becca’s finalists, based on who deserves that final rose.

But, before I dive in, be warned that the below contains SPOILERS! LEGIT, REAL, CONFIRMED, SPOILERS! Enter at your own risk, and don’t @ me if you get mad that you’ve been SPOILED!! #SPOILERALERT

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4. Garrett Yrigoyen

Garrett is the frontrunner of our nightmares. For those unfamiliar with the outdoorsy, Reno, Nev., native, he’s been known to “like” misogynistic, transphobic, homophobic, racist (and also totally unfunny!) Instagram memes. Not too long ago, Garrett consistently double tapped his privileged finger on posts mocking illegal immigrants, Parkland shooting survivors, and the looks of liberal women.

These discoveries made citizens of Bach nation particularly uneasy because Garrett earned himself the first impression rose on night one, and in recent years, every man who’s received the first impression rose has gone on to win the damn thing. (Becca, no!)

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Once all of his embarrassing likes became public, Garrett actually released a pretty heartfelt apology, declaring his willingness to learn from his mistakes. Becca, PR maven that she is, piggy-backed on Garrett’s apology, releasing a cop-out one herself: “I can't fault anyone for what they believe, and who's to say that anything that anyone 'likes' is truly what they believe in if they just double tap … I am a strong woman and I do believe in certain things, but again, that's what's so great about our country is that everyone is entitled to their own opinions." The takeaway? She’d only bother with this sort of non-committal explanation of Garrett’s gross actions to save face if she were already committed to him. And—SPOILER ALERT—all signs seem to confirm is; photos taken during their apparent engagement in the Maldives have been floating around the Internet since they were sent to TMZ.

Garrett’s probably win does make sense. In her recent recap for People, Becca wrote that Garrett makes her feel “so vibrant and youthful.” A sandcastle he built made her realize the type of “dad and husband he could be.” She even called their romp in the Bahamas last week “one of the best dates” of her life. But since filming, Becca’s feelings may have cooled a bit. According to mere online gossip, she’s stopped thinking about a wedding with him.

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3. Colton Underwood

Becca’s chemistry with Colton and Colton’s abs is undeniable, but she's got reservations about him. Last week, he opened up to Becca about the fact that he's still a virgin. Colton sees a future with Becca and wanted to be as up-front as possible before she met his family. The news freaked Becca out a little, and she walked off during their dinner date because she “needed a moment,” before coming around to the idea of possibly of deflowering one of her several boyfriends with an audience to chat about it. She later explained in People that her concern was about making sure she saw Colton as "the one" before taking their relationship to the next level physically. "Virginity is a meaningful thing, and I respect him for holding that so sacred.” Eventually, Colton’s reasons for waiting seemed to soothe Becca's nerves; it’s not that he’s waiting for marriage, he’s waiting for the right heart to have intercourse with, and he thinks Becca's could be that heart, explains.But the real awkwardness between Becca and Colton stems from the high probability that he holds a torch for Becca’s friend, former Bachelor contestant Tia. Before being cast on the show, he tweeted about his feelings for Tia—while Becca was competing against her!—and admitted to Becca earlier in the season that he and Tia shared a romantic weekend with one another. He may not have given up his V-card, but I wouldn’t feel great about my husband having recently tweeted heart-eye emojis at my BFF and stuck his tongue down her throat! This is rumored to play itself out on tonight’s episode, when Tia shows up confessing her lingering feelings for him. More spoilers: According to Reality Steve, despite Becca having a lovely time with Colton in his quasi-hometown of Aurora, Colo., she sends him home.

That was apparently a good move on Becca’s part because, based on photos proving that Colton and Tia reconnect in Paradise, it looks like Tia’s feelings are not unrequited. Apparently, they don’t leave Paradise together, though. Which is great, because it just doesn’t seem like Colton is ready to settle down just yet.

RELATED: Everything We Know About Jason Tartick, an Unexpected Bachelorette Frontrunner

Jason Tartick/ABC

2. Jason Tartick

Last week, Jason was on the brink of elimination and miraculously turned that around. After weeks of flying under the Bachelorette’s radar, he emerged as a sweet, sensitive, fun-loving man who’s not afraid to poke fun at himself, especially in the name of a good cause (let’s not forget, he did this goofy thing for charity). Jason became the last episode’s unexpected star when he and Becca went on a one-on-one date in Virginia. Jason and Becca get along in a very pure way. He’s driven in his career and is genuinely down-to-earth.

But the fact is, unlike the other three men on this list, Jason was not invited on another one-on-one date with Becca in last week’s episode, and he’s most likely not one of Becca’s top men if she was okay with splitting his time with two other dudes. And I get it; he and Becca don’t share the natural physical chemistry that some of the other couples do. Jason—though he looks like 90’s heartthrob Andrew Keegan (if you squint and/or your contacts are out)—may be a little too buttoned-up for Becca, whose group dates have basically required her men to be lumberjacks and fishermen.

According to gossip sites, he does score a Fantasy Suite date in Thailand but, shortly after, gets the boot. Jason’s a great guy, but when pitted against Blake and Garrett, I guess he’s just a departure from what Becca’s set her sights on.

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1. Blake Horstmann

And finally, Blake—the man with the most power this season, the hottest sweetheart there is, and my personal season crush. Last week, Blake felt tortured, waiting around for the one-on-one date with Becca that he thought would never come, but the wait paid off BIG because their time together revealed a deep and fiery connection. Blake was able to show Becca his fierce dance moves, open up about his troubled family, and express his love for her. The cherry on top is that this all happened in the Bahamas. And, judging by his Instagram, every night they shared together was pretty perfect. He even surprised Becca with a concert from her (and my!) favorite artist of all time, Betty Who! He’s just the best.

Much like Becca, Blake wears his emotions on his sleeve, whether that means sadness, confusion, happiness, or love. I mean, how many times have we seen Becca lean into exactly what she’s feeling at the exact moment she’s feeling it? Blake is emotional, hot, and, much like Becca, shares a love for family—plus all things fun and outdoorsy. There’s really nothing about Blake that Becca dislikes or that doesn’t align with how she sees her future panning out.

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And yet, the heart wants what it wants. Most spoiler clues indicate that Blake comes in second.

But hey, that’s not all bad news: Chances are he’ll be the next Bachelor or at least the most eligible contestant in a Paradise of the future. So, really, we’re the ones who win. Becca can have Garrett; we’ll take Blake!

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