Don't Feel Bad for Cazzie David, She Has an 8-Week Breakup Plan
Looks like it’s time for Cazzie David to follow her own advice.
Larry David’s hilarious 24-year-old screenwriter/actress daughter—and perhaps more noticeably, Pete Davidson’s most recent girlfriend prior to his engagement to Ariana Grande—created a video for Vogue’s "Sad Hot Girls" series last year, aptly titled “Cazzie David’s Guide to Getting Over a Breakup.”
Left brokenhearted by a “killer breakup” three years prior (“Let’s say you died and no one cared … that’s pretty much how I felt"), David received some words of wisdom from mom’s friend Rita Wilson (casual, casual). Basically, the actress told her that her ex would text her in eight weeks, regardless of circumstance. So … David designed an 8-week breakup program to help herself cope.
Here’s your week-by-week guide to moving on, according to to Miss David:
Week 1 — Allow Yourself to Wallow
“I watched every single breakup movie there is to watch. I ate crap—candy and sugar and pizza and ice cream, all together, as a sandwich,” David recalls.
Week 2 — Recover from What You Put Yourself Through In Week 1
“I personally worked out every single day and drank juice. I didn’t do a juice cleanse, I just drank juice along with my meals.”
Week 3 — Mentally Dethrone Your Ex
“Think about a time he looked gross or did something gross,” Cazzie advises. “I personally looked through all his Facebook profile pictures—just because any photo a guy chooses of himself is by default very embarrassing."
Week 4 — Venture Out of the House
“What I would try to do is actually get in the background of other people’s videos, just looking fun and relaxed.”
Week 5 —Find Someone to “Flirty Text” With
“Flirt with everyone; hookup with no one.”
Week 6 — Post that “Calculated, Attractive Photo of Yourself”
“It definitely has to look casual, even if that means getting your hair and makeup done for it and recruiting your model friend to help you pose,” Cazzie says. “Modeling is just looking angry that God made you so beautiful.”
Week 7—N/A (See Week 8)
Week 8 —You’ve Got Mail
“I did get a text from my ex. Unfortunately, no one told me what do once the 8 weeks were over, so I did ruin all my hard work in my ten response texts back to him.”
Considering that Cazzie last posted a couple-y photo of her and Davidson on May 3, it looks like she's still got at least a couple weeks to go.
You got this, Cazz—just skip the response texts this time around.