ABC
Mariah Smith
Jun 04, 2018 @ 9:00 am

From the moment Bachelorette suitor and caricature-of-a-male-model Jordan Kimball eyed the camera and said, “My brand is the pensive gentleman,” I knew he would become the stuff of GIF legend—and he did not disappoint.

So here I am, back to look deep into another Bachelorette contestant’s past, and I interrupt the news cycle about Garrett, the First Impression Rose earner now known for his aggressively ignorant, insensitive, and not-bangable social media activity to focus on Jordan, the 26-year-old Crystal River, Fla., native who's made every viewer's jaw drop.

What we know about Jordan from last week's premiere: He’s got cheesy lines on lock (“The power is in the brows,” “I wanted her to hear the tapping of the shoes I wore because it’s like the heartbeat of a gentleman,”), a massive ego peppered with no self-awareness, and terrible time management skills (he spent six hours picking out a simple, gray suit for night one!).

RELATED: The Bachelorette's Frontrunner for Becca Kufrin’s Heart Has a History of Liking Sexist and Racist Instagram Posts

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On night one, Jordan makes his likes and dislikes very known. He hates his beloved fellow contestant Adam, aka Chicken Man, and thinks that the hipster-chic, no-socks, no-tie trend is morally offensive. Both personally and professionally, Jordan is invested in fashionable looks. Which involves having a constant tan, a year-round "summer body," and Instagram-ready hair. He holds every other man to these standards too. It’s equal parts annoying and impressive. Jordan truly cares about pocket squares and what they says about a man's commitment to courtship. If Jordan lasts a few more weeks, he’ll become the anti-hero this season needs. Or, at the very least, its resident stylist.

But there may be more to Jordan than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. I’ll admit, with just one quick scroll of Jordan’s Instagram, you’d think it was the same photo reposted over and over again (sometimes it is, TBH), because he’s perfected his pensive gaze.. What’s surprising about Jordan, though—the man who took a literal pause before getting out of his Bachelorette limo to get into character—is his sentimentality and nostalgia. Jordan has a soft spot for his mom and baby photos that bubble up through the headshots. In fact, his very first Instagram photo in 2012, was a #TBT to baby Jordan hamming it up for the camera, even as a child. Shortly after, Jordan posted another #TBT with his mom, his “major moral support throughout life.” Aww, another mama’s boy who’s proud of it!

No Mercy

A post shared by Jordan Kimball (@jordan__kimball) on

Passion > Glory

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What’s also clear about Jordan, is that, despite fan convictions that his vapid persona is a comedic stunt, he’s himself through and through. I really don’t think there’s a marked difference between the Jordan we see on TV and the Jordan he is IRL. According to an Adonis Male Modeling forum, Jordan once said of himself, “Hello to all, the industry is becoming a self manageable workplace so I'm here to represent myself and book jobs with your brand, work with creative and energetic photographers and give advice to other models. Instagram is Jordan__kimball for more of my port work.”

Hopefully I’m not the only one who needed to read that twice, but what I’m getting is that homeboy takes himself and his work very seriously. He is signed with the prestigious modeling agency Wilhelmina (see his model stat here). And, he likes to keep a separation between his modeling workplace and his daily life. Which is why I’d be shocked he joined a reality show if it wasn’t so clear that he’s been a Jersey Shore stan for years according to this photo he posted with Danny, the T-shirt shop boss, and his likes on Facebook, where he shows support for Jersey Shore, Mike “The Situation,” and DJ Pauly D, et al.

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It’s not shocking that, with a Business Specialist degree from the College of Central Florida, Jordan is focused on building his brand. It’s possible that he only started modeling recently. He posted to his Instagram once in 2012, and then never again until a modeling pic in January 2017, or he, you know, deleted years worth of content. And, just that following month, he announced that he was represented by the Miami branch of the prestigious modeling agency Wilhelmina.

It seems his specialty is confusing photo shoots in bodies of water. For whatever reason, Jordan has a wealth of images where he’s fully clothed in floral suits or evening wear but inexplicable sopping wet. There’s no hint on why or what’s going on, because Jordan’s captions make even less sense than his photos. For instance, this photo of Jordan coming up for air is simply captioned “Tonight I shall eat Birthday Cake.” When Jordan is in appropriate attire for the season and occasion, like this very small speedo, he still gives captions that leave everything to the imagination, “Actions> Captions.” (Meaning: the action of pulling down (or up, IDK!) tiny swim trunks to reveal your shockingly smooth skin, is more important an action than writing an explanatory caption?)

I’ll walk away like a Cruise Ship

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Other modeling success of Jordan’s include being a cover man. While he includes the hashtags #menshealth and #vogue in his caption, the shoot is in fact for John Craig, a magazine for a local Florida men’s store. (Other hashtags include: #malemodel #model #fashion #lifestyle #lamodelsmen #fit #miami#southbeach #newyork #menshair #mensfashion #mensstyle #wilhelmina#gym #health #igfit #igfitfam #igfitness #mensfashionreview #abs #photooftheday #photography #instagram #eatclean #nutrition.) He looks like he’s about to give the reader a stern talking to, but it’s a start and a nice consolation, since chances are he won’t get that coveted People cover at the end of Becca’s journey.

Fall | Winter 2017

A post shared by Jordan Kimball (@jordan__kimball) on

In the end, I’ve found that Jordan may not be as terrible as he comes across on TV. Someone with this cute a #TBT can’t be a huge jerk, right!?

Baby J

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The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.

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