ABC
Mariah Smith
Jun 25, 2018 @ 9:00 am

Subject: Blake Horstmann

Age: 28

Occupation: Sales Rep, Hopefully My Future Husband

As my own personal luck would have it, the universe saw it fit for me to finally profile the bright spot of this season of The Bachelorette: Blake H. He’s swept both Becca K. and me (and probably thousands of others) off our feet with his sweet smile and eagerness to pretend to love Lil Jon during his first one-on-one date while simultaneously smashing every last remnant of Arie and Becca’s rocky relationship.

Blake, a clear frontrunner this season, is basically Dean Unglert for the mature set. He’s a Colorado native with a good head of hair, broad shoulders, charm for centuries, and a stint on a nationwide TV show. What separates Dean—the boy—from Blake—the man—is not only the fact that Blake knows how to purchase properly fitting pants that come past the ankle, but also that he doesn’t seem to be the type to use his 15 minutes of fame to break the hearts of multiple women while posting nonsensical Bachelorette recaps on YouTube in cheap and slightly offensive drag. Ah wait, NVM, here’s Blake in a dress for a friend’s wedding reception.

In my studious deep dive into all things Blake Horstmann, I treaded lightly and stuck solely to the facts about who he is and what he believes in, because in this political nightmare we live in, there’s a thin line between “politics aren’t my thing,” and “I’m sort of a garbage human,” in my opinion. Thankfully, Blake didn’t Garrett himself to the fringes of humanity, but it’s still unclear where my future husband stands politically.

Personally, I think he’s removed himself from the narrative of politics and social reform. The man couldn’t even properly spell “suitcase” in 2014, so maybe he’s just got too much other stuff on his mind to pay attention to spelling and the fiery flames of hell we’re being engulfed in daily.

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But regardless, Blake is most definitely not a bad person (from what I’ve found). In fact, he has so many loveable qualities that it makes me physically ill. Honestly, I had to WebMD some symptoms because this man is a heartbreaker. For one, he loves his sister Tori, like loves her! She’s featured in 28 of Blake’s 69 photos on Instagram, and that’s just the one’s she’s tagged in. That’s 40% of his pics! Get you a man who isn’t ashamed of gassing up his baby sis!

This next bit will come as no surprise (especially if you saw him scale that tree trunk last week), but Blake is also committed to his goals. About a year ago, he was lamenting the fact that he was nearly at a 5 minute mile, running one in 5:04 minutes (still the fastest of his Orangetheory class), and still, Blake worked his ass off to beat his own time. In February he did just that and ran a 4:59 minute mile. That was 3 years in the making. If Blake will literally run himself ragged for years at a time to accomplish a personal goal, imagine how far he’d go for the woman he loves.

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Again, I must remind you that Blake scaled a tree trunk. He scaled a tree trunk, and he’s a hard worker when he wants to complete a goal. Just let those two images sit with you for a moment. If that’s not enough, Blake told the world in his very first Bachelorette video that he’s a surprisingly good dancer, especially for a white guy. Lord today, tonight, and tomorrow, I need to take to my bed for good because this man has captured my heart hook, line, and sinker.

As the perfect mix of hot, sweet, and justttt a little clueless, Blake is the next Bachelor this nation deserves. Or at the very least, we deserve to see him shirtless in Paradise for 5 weeks, minimum.

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