Colton Underwood
Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC via Getty Images

Within the last five minutes of this week’s Bachelor, the show morphed into what was essentially mystery dinner theater. Colton got not one, not two, but three ominous warnings from his departing suitors about remaining contestants who, supposedly, aren’t there for a serious relationship. Colton took their warnings seriously; He told the remaining women he’d make it his mission in the following week to figure out who he was being warned about. Meanwhile, we got a shot of Tayshia telling a blank-faced Kirpa, “Let’s take this thing. Watch, it’s us two at the end ... I can feel it.”

This whole situation led me to ask myself one question: What in Chris Harrison's hell is going on?

Before I stake my claim, let’s go over what lead to all of this in the first place. Before we got to hear the warnings from the women who left, they had to actually leave, and there were some surprising exits this time around.

Sydney left of her own volition when she wasn’t feeling enough of a connection with Colton. In her “I’m outta here” speech, she told the Colton, “There are some really wonderful people in that group. Find them. Don’t be distracted by shiny things.” I mean, that’s just beautifully put, girl. Well done.

Then, Demi decided to go surprise Colton in his room and tell him she was falling in love with him. This made him send her home pre-rose ceremony because he didn’t feel the same way. During her exit proclamation, Demi said, “There’s certain girls here who seem like a safe choice, but at the end it’s not actually going to be safe because you’re not going to end up happy in the long run.”

Mysterious, Demi. Very cryptic.

Finally, Katie departed the show in the traditional way — via rose ceremony — and told Colton as she stepped into that black SUV, “You have a great group of girls, and you know who’s ready in there...and there’s some that aren’t. Just be smart about those girls.”

To use Colton's words, the situation felt “fucking terrifying," — all of these women were warning him about someone, but he clearly has no idea who.

“I thought when Sydney said it that she was talking about Demi,” an exasperated Colton explained. “I don’t know who Demi was talking about. And then, I say goodbye to Katie, and I don’t know who she’s talking about. Am I fucking missing something?”

So, who were Sydney, Demi, and Katie talking about? The big clue we got came during the evening portion of the group date, just before Sydney left. While she was talking about immature people being there, Demi and Hannah B. were repeatedly shown on screen. Colton was probably right that Sydney was talking, at least in part, about Demi.

But then, Demi gave a similar warning. It’s possible she was talking about Hannah B, as well. But her use of the word “safe” could mean she was warning against some of the women Colton’s had really quick, easy connections with, like Hannah G, Caelyn, and Cassie.

As for Katie, she talked about some women not being “ready,” which could be pretty much anyone, but could include Heather, who came on the show with the job title “Never Been Kissed.” To go from that to engaged in a matter of weeks would be a very big step.

It's also possible that they were all talking about different people, since — based on the information the show has given us so far — no one is the clear culprit. My guess would be Hannah B and Heather were at least two of the people on their minds, because of the history of drama and perceived immaturity, respectively.

As for Tayshia and her comment about the final two, it was super confusing, but it could be hinting that she is the secret “wrong reasons” contestant. It would be a huge twist, though, because Tayshia has seemed genuine this entire time. It could be that she was saying this to Kirpa, specifically, because she was excited that two non-white contestants were getting so far on the show — something that’s pretty rare on The Bachelor, so feeling emotional about that isn’t out of the question. Still, “let’s take this” is an odd way to put it, if she really is there just for Colton. We’ll have to wait and see on that one. At least we know Sydney wasn’t talking about Tayshia in her message, because they’ve been showing love for each other on Twitter.

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Next week, hopefully, Colton will solve this mystery — I can tell he's working really hard to wrap his mind around it. As for the rest of us, it definitely makes for intriguing television, and hopefully our theories will be further substantiated next week.