By Mariah Smith
Sep 12, 2018 @ 11:45 am
ABC

Last night, our summer of Paradise died, and with it, many relationships. Contrary to Chris Harrison’s endless threat that this was the best season ever in the history of Paradise, I’d argue that it was one of the worst.

But why? For starters, allowing more freedom in terms of voluntary exits resulted in little to no love and a whole lot of frustration. Yes, the finale ended with three “serious” couples, two of whom got engaged — but most of the drama happened off-screen.

Still, it’s important that we take a look at each and every couple that came out of Paradise, with or without a Neil Lane diamond fastened to a finger. Which couple has the most potential? Also, does Satan take applications? I feel Kamil would make a great apprentice.

OLIVIA NEWTON AND JOHN

Olivia and John, a late but beloved pairing in Paradise, happily left the show on Monday night as a couple after making the joint decision to avoid the Fantasy Suite — both because of the sex and because of the possible engagement implications.

Sure, John kissed almost all of the women who came down those Paradise steps and broke at least three hearts, but he and Olivia seemed right for one another. And he’s Venmo John, a non-threateningly hot programmer! No one I'd trust more with my heart.

Except, he broke Olivia's. Olivia told the audience on After Paradise that she and John tried to make long-distance work for a number of weeks, but he eventually told her they’d be better off as just friends. Then he started publicizing his growing interest in fellow Paradise alum, Chelsea Roy.

In other words, it doesn’t look like Olivia will be getting a cut of that Venmo money any time soon.

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KEVIN AND ASTRID

Kevin and Astrid were a Paradise power couple. Though they didn’t get much screen time during the season, what we did see was very sweet. After coupling off early, they spent most days unbothered by the surrounding drama of Paradise — lounging on daybeds, snacking and talking about their future. Kevin was even super open about his mental health journey, therapy, and how happy he was that he could be his full self with Astrid.

Well, until Monday night when he broke up with her.

Blindsided, Astrid left Paradise sad, confused, and one Kevin lighter. Fast forward to Tuesday night’s After Paradise special, and Astrid is still confused, gaining no clarity after watching back the tape of her breakup. However, she’s also seems to have forgiven Kevin. Yes, they’re working through the trust issues, but they’re happily back together and still in love. This is the couple Paradise needs: they’re open, honest, and hot.

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KENDALL AND JOE THE GROCER

Despite their love, Kendall and Joe hit a rough patch almost every day of Paradise. Joe loved Kendall so much that he would have slept in the ocean for her, but Kendall was always on the fence. Stepping out to go on dates with new men, or not trusting Joe’s sincerity, she ultimately caused their breakup by distancing herself from Joe when he was sincerely affectionate to her. Joe and Kendall didn’t even make it to Chris Harrison’s invitation to the Fantasy Suite, because they left the night before, separately.

On After Paradise, Kendall told Chris Harrison that she immediately regretted her decision, and even on her flight home she wanted to see Joe in his hometown of Chicago. In the end, she did just that. With a camera crew, Kendall met Joe in Chicago where they reKENDALLed their love. Now, they’re 100 percent in a relationship, and taking things one day at a time. Great news for them, but terrible news for me, who bought a one way ticket to Chicago on Monday night to try and swoop in and steal the remains of Joe’s heart that Kendall left behind. Joe even accepted a spot on Dancing with the Stars, so he can be closer to Kendall in LA.

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ANNALIESE AND KAMIL

Where to begin?

Annaleise, Paradise’s hopeless romantic, ultimately got her heart and dreams of a fairytale romance crushed. Yes, she and Kamil were one of the three official couples that left together at the end of the season, but their relationship didn’t last long.

When Kamil opted not to propose to Annaliese during their final moments in Mexico, it seemed like he knew their relationship would take time. He told Annaliese that he wasn’t proposing that day, not because he didn’t want to, but because he wanted more time. She believed him. But, when Annaliese sat down in front of Chris Harrison last night to give an update on her relationship, she said that a proposal was further down the line that she initially thought it would be. She also didn’t seem all that happy or excited about the state of her relationship.

Then, when Kamil joined Chris and Annaliese in the hot seat, he told her that he’d like to break up. In front of an audience full of people and with no remorse. Truly shocked, Annaliese left the stage and Kamil told Chris that he just wasn’t as into the relationship as Annaliese was, especially after she visited him in New York and met his friends. What’s even more maddening is that Annaliese came back out to ask Kamil why he wouldn’t let her break up with him a week and a half ago when she tried to? Or why he booked an AirBnB for Los Angeles with her the night before?

Kamil, of course, had no answers.

Needless to say, this former Paradise couple is a horror story.

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JENNA AND JORDAN

Jenna and Jordan’s Paradise journey has been one based on both infatuation and unconditional love. No matter the obstacles that came their way — David the Chicken, Benoit, or Jordan’s need to act out anytime Jenna talked to any other man — these two made it work.

Or so we thought.

Yes, their relationship ended in an engagement on Monday night, and they are apparently still together. Jenna may be harboring a deep secret — at least according to Reality Steve and his sources.

Spoilers ahead for anyone who cares about spoilers.

Apparently, Jenna doesn’t care about Jordan at all and is using him to boost her brand, all while dating a slew of other men, including one who sent text message conversations from Jenna to Reality Steve. In the texts, Jenna allegedly says she’s going to dump Jordan in a way that makes him look like the bad guy, and that she doesn’t like him, let alone love him.

This must be news to Jordan, because he genuinely seems to be madly in love with Jenna, and he’s mellowed out a ton since we were first introduced to him on Becca’s season. Yes, he’s still displays model behavior, but in a more chill, fun way. He even asked Chris Harrison to marry him and Jenna on June 9, 2019. Here’s to hoping Jenna does have true feelings for Jordan and these texts are fake, old, or lies, because if they’re real, Jenna’s in for the same wrath and fury Bach Nation’s prepared for Kamil.

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Where do I start?! Maybe 2nd day in paradise where we talked for the first time. I went up to you freaking out because I heard you brought apple cider vinegar and I was only hoping you would share some with me..who freaks out about that? Well you had it and we connected right away. The next day I had a stomach ache and you brought me peppermint essential oil. You told me to drink some with water and rub some on my stomach. The pain went away immediately. Then came a moment when you pulled me aside the morning after the 2nd rose ceremony. You came to me as a friend telling me I’m in a downward spiral and I’ll be leaving paradise with so many regrets. It was then you mentioned to right my wrongs, become self aware, and just be myself. You saw the potential in me. You believed in me. We then created so many memories from that day moving forward that changed my life and helped me fall in love. The beautiful soul you possess, the sense of comfort you hold, how loving you are, and the intelligence you have are just some of the things that make up the incredible woman you are. You helped me evolve into a better version of myself. Thank you for letting me see all the beautiful layers of you. Thank you for helping me understand love exists. And thank you for for saying YES. I love you so much and I’m so excited for the future babe. Most off all thank you @abcnetwork and @bachelorinparadise for a 2nd chance at love!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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KRYSTAL AND CHRIS

If you’d told me a week ago that the one couple from Paradise I’d end up loving would be Chris R. and Krystal, I would have slapped you in the face, canceled my cable, and sailed away. But, alas, here we are. Engaged, and in love, Chris and Krystal are perfect for one another. Like all great couples of Paradise (a.k.a Jade and Tanner, Carly and Evan, and Ashley and Jared), these two have a solid friendship that has blossomed into true love. Their body language is poppin’, their love for one another’s families and animals is off the charts, and their moms are BFF’s. What more could you ask for? Like, Chris sobbed because he was so in love with Krystal, and this was on After Paradise! The sun wasn’t affecting his emotions at all! That’s all him, and I love it. Congrats to the true happy couple!

That’s it for Paradise, folks! It’s been a great season. Let’s hope we get some more Paradise engagements, marriages, babies and soon, because honestly, we need to immerse ourselves in these people’s lives more than Chris Harrison.