90 Day Fiancé Just Proved That Shirtless Airport Dancing is the Only Acceptable Form of Romance
There are a lot of things you can do in 90 days. You can commit to a new diet and exercise plan and actually see results. You can pay a speeding ticket in the state of Pennsylvania without penalty. And, if you’re feeling particularly ambitious, you can move your foreign fiance to your home in America and start a new life — just ask the cast feature on episode two of 90 Day Fiancé, “Young and Restless.”
After a raucous season premiere that affirmed my belief in the fact that 90 Day Fiancé is the benchmark for weird television, episode two sees many of the couples reuniting on American soil for the first time. “Young and Restless” opens with one of the more bizarre storylines of the bunch, that of Colt and Larissa. Colt is a 33-year-old software engineer based in Las Vegas, and he’s spent his entire life — and I mean his entire life — co-habitating with his mother. Their relationship is certainly peculiar — as Colt himself says, ““Maybe we’re a little too close, but in my opinion, a man’s first best friend would be his mother.”
Naturally, 90 Day Fiancé fan internet is rife with Norman Bates comparisons, but from my POV, there’s something about Colt’s relationship with his mother that feels pure, if not a bit sad and unhealthy. What we're witnessing between the pair isn't obsession turned inclination towards murderous rage, but a couple of lonely people who really care about each other and don't really know how to let go. It's enough to bring a tear to my eye and a song to my tender heart, even if their conversation about where they would sit in proximity to one another if they were on a date made me want to take a long, long shower.
During episode two, Colt is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his beloved Brazilian fiance, Larissa — the central drama of their plot line will likely be driven by Colt’s mothers objections to all of them living under one roof. Because Colt and Larissa are not moving out into their own place. Because they’re all going to live their together as a mother-son-Brazilian fiancé throuple. Because we all go a little mad sometimes.
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.
Speaking of uncomfortable arrivals, 29-year old Kalani is finally reunited with her former vacation-lover-turned-baby-daddy Asuelu in episode two. If you recall from the season six premiere, Kalani is a California Mormon and Asuelu is from a small fishing village in Samoa. Her pregnancy was (probably) unplanned, and now Asuelu is moving to the United States to help raise the son he (probably) didn’t realize he would have. Asuelu made his grand entrance at LAX in episode two, performing a traditional Samoan dance for Kalani as a way to show his affection. "I need to do a little bit of extra, extra dance," Asuelu said, before removing his shirt and giving his audience (both at the airport and at home) everything we never knew we always wanted.
"Young and Restless" also continued the story of Fernanda’s arrival at Jonathan’s home in North Carolina from her home in Mexico. During the season premiere, Fernanda discovered a pair of “years old” women’s underwear in Jon’s dresser. According to him, they belonged to an old girlfriend. According to me, Jonathan should clean out his goddamn dresser every once in awhile.
But love is patient, love is kind — the couple weathered the storm/panty raid, and in episode two, Jonathan’s friends host a dinner party to welcome his new bae. Not long into the meal, the subject of Trump’s proposed border wall between Mexico and the United States comes up. Jonathan’s friends explain to Fernanda that many North Carolinans believe that immigrants are coming to America to "take jobs and public assistance, and are engaged in crime.” Don’t worry, they assure her: Not all Americans want a wall. Thank god they feel that way, or this 19-year-old might not have felt comfortable making the life-altering decision to marry a 31-year-old man who describes her as a “fiery Latina," describes his own lifestyle lifestyle as “Gym. Work. Play. Repeat,” and literally never cleans out his dresser. Such is the American dream.
Tune in next week — more arrivals and uncomfortable situations are surely imminent.