If You're Gonna Masturbate in Your Parents' House, Read This First
In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sexiest questions — unjudged and unfiltered.
DEAR DR. JENN,
Due to the escalating coronavirus pandemic in the city where I live, I've decided to stay with my parents in the suburbs for the foreseeable future. I'm sleeping in the den, which is also my dad's office. There is no lock on the door, and he comes in and out when he needs things. A girl has needs but I’m not sure how to satisfy myself with such a lack of privacy. Not to mention, the whole situation stresses me out so much I think it will take me longer to get there. Help. — Rolling solo
You are not the first to complain about a lack of privacy right now. While you may be able to hold off when you're home for just a few days over the holidays, going weeks or months is easier said than done. After all, spending time with family and dealing with the elevated stress levels that can bring (on top of the already stressful situation that is a global pandemic) all create a need for, well, a release.
Need further convincing? “You are your safest sex partner," according to a document released by the New York City Health Department. "Masturbation will not spread COVID-19, especially if you wash your hands (and any sex toys) with soap and water for at least 20 seconds before and after.”
No, this is not the time for your most theatrical O, but it doesn't mean you can't still get off. Here, a few tips for masturbating quietly to get you through the coronavirus quarantine.
1. Create some privacy.
Do your best to create some boundaries and privacy at your parents' house (or wherever you're staying, be it a friend or other relative's abode). There are a few ways you can do that. You can tell your parents that you need some privacy so you can meditate. That way they are less likely to disturb you. Another option is to simply ask them to knock before coming into the room, in case you might be changing. Along those lines, you might want to ask them if they would be willing to put a lock on the door. You could let them know that do you really value your privacy, especially when you're sleeping, and would like to have the reassurance of the lock on the door. When all else fails, the bathroom is the ideal private spot. Even in the most intrusive of homes, most people respect bathroom privacy. This is where bathtub faucets and shower nozzles come in handy!
2. Get some portable goodies that are quiet.
Once you have established some privacy, or everyone is asleep in the middle of the night, you are going to want to make sure you can do your thing without it being obvious. This is not the time to plug-in your Hitachi wand. While many women swear by this baby, it is too big and too loud for travel. You may want to try something like the Lelo Lilly 2 a tiny been-shape vibrator about the length of your thumb that fits in your purse or a finger vibrator. It is worthy to note that both can be used for some shower action and can be fun for partnered play, too.
3. Try silent foreplay.
Staying at your parents house is not the time for sex FaceTiming with your partner for all to hear. Instead, try an erotic novel or a more raunchy read like Nancy Friday’s buffet of sexual fantasies in My Secret Garden. If you decide to get your fix via porn, make sure that you wear headphones or keep the volume off (you can even look at GIFs to be sure it's legit silent). Fortunately, the fantasy that goes on in your head is silent, so that is still a great warm-up for your solo play.
4. Work with what you got.
Make your situation work for you. Maybe you had some glory days in that very same room that you want to revisit. Or, try to come up with fantasies that you can use to get yourself off where you are prevented from making noise. Use your imagination to make the best of what you’ve got going on. Then, enjoy yourself — but try not to scream.