In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sexiest questions — unjudged and unfiltered.

By Dr. Jenn Mann
Updated: Jun 12, 2019 @ 4:53 pm
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DEAR DR. JENN,

Recently while we were having sex, my girlfriend asked me to fist her. We've used strap-ons, dildos, and of course, our hands — but never fisted, specifically. She is one of my first girlfriends, and I've never actually experienced this before (I haven't done it, and I haven't had it done to me). I know that we're not talking about a literal fist-in-vagina situation here, but still, I'm nervous because I don't know what to do. What should I keep in mind? —Hands Up

DEAR HANDS,

How great that your girlfriend feels so comfortable with you that she can share her desires. Fisting seems pretty intense, and plenty of people get nervous about the idea of it, before they even really know what it entails. Part of that comes from a stigma or judgment toward those who enjoy the activity and what is means about their anatomy. 

To begin with, it is important to understand that fisting is not a simple one-two punch to the vagina. It is a kink activity that requires some training and skill. For it to be a pleasurable experience for the receiver, there needs to be an abundance of wetness, and a high level of communication. Getting the vaginal muscles relaxed is necessity for it to be pleasurable. 

What, exactly, feels good about accommodating an entire hand inside of your vaginal canal? The people I have spoken with who enjoy it consistently say the same things. They enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure. Many say that nothing hits the G-spot quite like a nice hand in the canal, and many claim that after trying it once you will think your previous sex life was quite vanilla and boring. So, high five to leaving that in the past.

Fisting, a How-To

Let's get down to brass tacks. Here's what you need to know before trying fisting for the first time.

1. Trim your nails. Making sure you have well groomed hands before fisting is important for both comfort, for the receiver, as well as being sanitary. Make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed.

2. Be safe. If you're doing this outside the bounds of a committed relationship, where you're fully tested and aware of each other's STI status, you'd want to make sure you don’t have any cuts or abrasions which can be open to others' bodily fluids.  To that end, you could even wear latex gloves (the powder-free kind!), or nitrile gloves. If you've got sharp fingernails, you could top them with gauze or cotton inside the gloves to avoid accidentally scratching your partner. 

3. You are going to need lots of lube. Whether it's your partner's natural wetness or the store-bought kind, moisture is essential for fisting to go well. I'm a fan of silicone lubes, like Swiss Navy or Sliquid Silver, which are both available on Amazon. If your babe is an organic kind of gal try BabeLube Natural, Sliquid Organics or some organic coconut oil. Do not use anything with a numbing agent. It is important to be able to feel all the sensations since pain is an indicator that something is wrong and your partner needs to be aware if she is experiencing a problem. Side note, anyone who has gynecological problems or is experiencing hormonal changes that lead to thinning of the vaginal walls should consult with a doctor before trying fisting.

4. Foreplay, foreplay, and more foreplay. Making sure she is very aroused before entry is a make-or-break behavioral requirement for fisting. (See the aforementioned wetness requirement.) This is a time for slow, patient, drawn-out foreplay. The more aroused she is, the more lubricated and, thus, accommodating her body will be to your hand. The uterus even lifts up into the pelvic cavity, leaving more room in the vaginal canal. In addition to the physiological changes that occur during foreplay, the emotional mindset foreplay provides will help her to be open and relaxed enough to take your fist.

RELATED: 25+ Foreplay Moves to Try, Because Sex Is Not a Race

5. Keep talking. Keeping the communication open throughout the entire experience makes it more likely it will be a positive one. Knowing what kind of talk your partner likes — role play, chit-chat, dirty talk, romantic and loving words — can help her to stay turned-on and open to the whole experience. Even more importantly, you need to know if she is in pain or something feels wrong. Just like anytime you try a new activity that can be intimidating, you should have a safe word preplanned before you begin.

6. Build it and she will cum. Start small and build up. Begin with one finger at a time and work up to four. Once you have accomplished this, you will want to move your hand into “duck position,” collapsing your knuckles to be as narrow as possible while joining your thumb closely to your pointer finger. This tapered form should help you to ease your hand all the way into her when she is ready. The most difficult part of entrance is getting past your knuckles. Once you are able to do that, the wrist should move in pretty easily. That said, not everyone can take a whole fist. Make sure that if that is the case with your girlfriend, she isn't left feeling like she has failed somehow, and it remains a positive experience between the two of you.

VIDEO: Sex Expert Dr. Ruth on How to Please Your Partner

7. You're in! There is a lot you can do to increase her pleasure once your fist is in. Try finding her G-spot. Your palm should be facing her belly side. Try using your fingers to make a come-hither type motion. Some women like to feel the fist gently move back and forth. Others find the sensation of gently clenching and unclenching your fist like a heartbeat to be very pleasurable. Experiment with what feels good, making sure to keep communication open. In addition to moving your fist, stimulating her on the outside with the tongue, finger or a toy can add to the pleasure.

RELATED: How to Avoid "Lesbian Bed Death" — When Partners Just Stop Having Sex

8. Pulling out. Don’t pull your hand out too fast, especially after an orgasm. This is a common rookie mistake. It can be very painful if you pull out too fast after your partner has had an orgasm. Keep in mind that you are not going to be able to pull out your hand while it is still in a fist. You’re going to have to go back to duck position to slide out. She may be sore afterward. But just as importantly, keep in mind that this can be an intense emotional experience. Be available for closeness, connection, and holding afterward.

Fisting is not an activity that is a quickie. As you can see, it takes time, patience and a willingness to tune in to your partner in order to have a great fisting experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have the kind of trusting relationship where this could be a positive new addition to your sexual repertoire. 

For the month of June, every Hump Day column will focus on LGBTQ+ relationship queries. To submit one, email AskDrJenn@DrJennMann.com. Happy Pride, and happy humping.

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