A Stupidly Expensive Bag for Anyone Who's Tried to Hydrate Their Problems Away

Has the pandemic considered simply drinking eight cups of water a day?

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Big Ticket: Kara Water Bottles
Photo: Erin Glover

A Hydroflask is not a personality. But a bejeweled crystal-mesh Kara water bottle bag ostensibly filled with Molly water being passed around Russian Samovar at a pre-Delta variant rager just might be the tableau that defines a generation

In the fragile microcosm in which we currently exist, where the tension between our need to express absolute liberation and our paralyzing fear of doing anything or seeing anyone is irreconcilable, where we're fighting for our lives and we're fighting for the right to party, where we can't be totally sure whether she's wearing a Paco Rabanne disc dress or literal armour, the Kara sippy-cup-phone-case hybrid was inevitable.

Retailing for $495 on garmentory.com, this eye-catching, crystal embellished accessory comes in both silver and black colorways. Leather material and a drawstring closure help to hold the included stainless steel bottle in place, while its side features a zippered compartment meant for a phone, credit cards, or other small items. Plus, thanks to the long, chunky chain, you can easily slip this holder over your arm or wear it crossbody, allowing for easy access to your drink at all times.

Big Ticket: Kara Water Bottles
Erin Glover

As it turns out, this piece isn't an aberration. Collina Strada's $90 crystal-embellished checkerboard bottle gets our pulse quickening, and Rosantica's $350 chain-linked one has us jogging in place. But Kara's bottle-holding, phone-carrying vajazzled half-a-grand satchel is making us sprint. To where? Who knows! Heels, corsets, and party dress sales are UP, and we are going OUT. And hydration is essential.

The great sweatpants betrayal of the summer of '21 is underway, and we're welcoming complicated, fussy things back with open arms just to feel something, just because we can! Are we going to flash around our $495 'makes the Jacquemus Le Chiquito look practical by comparison' bag and let everyone know that we've allocated a slush fund towards such gratuitous impulses because life is short and precious? Yes! Do we feel irrationally safer strapped with a weapons-grade crossbody chain and the capacity to carry 16.9 fluid ounces of hand sanitizer? Also yes!

This bag is for those who bravely ask whether the pandemic has simply tried drinking eight glasses of water a day. For anyone who needs to moisten their lips before kissing all their friends on the mouth. For those whose voices are hoarse from all the roaring they're doing at these new '20s. This bag is for J.Lo, should she ever need to pass up her bedazzled Starbucks cups and "get loud," perhaps. This bag is for anyone who deserves a drink of excess to cope. This bag — that this bag even exists — is for all of us.

Welcome to Big Ticket, a column that says 'wow that is expensive' and also 'we can not stop looking at it.'

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