Everyone on Twitter Is Horny for John Mulaney, and First of All They're Right
Sweats? Butterflies? A case of the giggles? You could be feeling hot for John Mulaney. But the good news is, you're not alone.
For the last month, everyone on Twitter has been increasingly thirsty for Mulaney, the 39-year-old babyfaced funny boy. This week, though, the thirst reached a crescendo as news broke of his burgeoning relationship and child. Along with the clamor came the haters begging for an explanation, cries of "I don't get it" abounding. But hey, guess what? You don't need to understand. You just need to let me have this.
Spare me the discourse about his white privilege, about his prestigious East Coast university degree followed by his stint as a writer at SNL like the parade of so many white men before him. I know, trust me, I know. This is by no means an excuse for the system. This simply isn't about the system. This is about John. Edmund. Mulaney. The man, the myth, the stand-up king, Big Mouth voice actor, and anti-Mr. Rogers host of John Mulaney & the Sack Lunch Bunch.
On Tuesday night, the comedian and writer laid the groundwork for what's sure to be one helluva memoir while speaking to Late Night host/close personal friend (and fellow SNL alum/white man) Seth Meyers. Mulaney spoke candidly about the past year of his life — his relapse, his trip to rehab, his divorce, his other relapse and other trip to rehab, and finally, his new relationship with actress Olivia Munn, whom he announced is pregnant with the couple's first child.
"It's like newborn Bambi legs," Mulaney explained of his first months post-rehab. "You know how when Bambi's born and Bambi's like, 'Hey I used to be on cocaine.'"
Were it not for his whirlwind year and the paparazzi's subsequent interest in it, Mulaney may not have divulged quite so much detail about his personal life or, rather, about the sequence in which these events happened. But he did. And he did it with that beautiful blend of wit and humility and even a perfect joke about Seth Meyers's face. We loved him for it, and that's that. End of story.
See, Twitter gets it:
If you don't like it or understand it, fine — this isn't for you. That's OK! We can share plenty of other globally agreed-upon celebrity crushes. Beyoncé, Brad Pitt, Jason Bateman, all universally loved and admired! (At this time I'm speaking directly to the InStyle editor who dared compare Mulaney to a "mayonnaise sandwich with a side of ranch dressing.")
But please, no more takes that attempt to unpack his John-ness. His Mulaney-ness. No more deep dissections of his corny humor or whether he's "wholesome" or just pretending. And I'm absolutely done with the "you all are too obsessed with celebrities and it's unhealthy" narrative.
Let us instead bask in the glow of a healthy, humbled, and most importantly, hot, John Mulaney. After all, the world is on fire. Just let me have this one thing.