What Do the Celebrities Have Against Bathing?

They've gone too far.

What Do the Celebs Have Against Bathing?
Photo: Getty Images/InStyle

What in the goop is going on in Hollywood?

First Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher admit to only regularly bathing their necessities — in Mila's own words, "pits and tits and holes and soles" — while speaking on Dax Shepard's Armchair Expert podcast. When it comes to the couple's children, the routine is even more lax: "If you can see the dirt on them, clean them. Otherwise, there's no point," says Kutcher.

Then, a few days later during an appearance on The View, Shepard along with wife Kristen Bell defended Mila and Ashton's bath time rituals (or lack thereof). "I'm a big fan of waiting for the stink," Bell adds of bathing her own children. "Once you catch a whiff, that's biology's way of letting you know you need to clean it." Is it, Kristen? Is it.

The stake through the heart, though, came from the internet's favorite bagel boy, Jake Gyllenhaal. Speaking with Vanity Fair's Laura Regensdorf, ironically regarding his recent appointment as the face of yet another fragrance, the 40-year-old had this to say of his bathing habits:

"More and more I find bathing to be less necessary, at times," he admits. "I do also think that there's a whole world of not bathing that is also really helpful for skin maintenance, and we naturally clean ourselves."

"Ok so Jake Gyllenhaal licks himself like a cat," mused entertainment writer Carrie Wittmer on Twitter, followed by this thought starter.

My first reaction to the news was that there "must be something in the water" among the 40-something white celebrities, but maybe a water metaphor isn't the most appropriate here.

Here are some alternative hypotheses: Gwyneth Paltrow recently condemned bathing in a secret celebrity-only goop newsletter; all five actors read the same Healthline article which recommends bathing just 2-3 times per week; they misread the California drought recommendations, which encourage residents to limit the length of showers, not to limit the number of showers.

Look, I'm not saying that you need to shower everyday. Every other day, depending on your activity level, is perfectly fine with me! But, as a narcissist, my worst fear is that this "no bath, no problem" attitude sparks a "wellness" movement in which large swaths of people who ride the New York City subway system begin bathing less and less, especially in the summers. New York has enough special summertime fragrances already, thanks!

In the best case scenario, I guess, a few gallons of fresh water will be spared from Ashton and Mila's fancy clawfoot tub. A win for the water crisis, if nothing else?

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