A few months ago, I was tasked with a new and exciting career challenge: writing about weddings for InStyle.com. As a digital editor with 10 years experience in celebrity entertainment and women’s lifestyle, I knew I could handle it. But as a woman in her 30s who’s single by choice? That I wasn’t so sure about.
Around the same time that I began covering weddings, I had an epiphany. After ending a two-year relationship, I realized I’d spent most of my 20s searching for “the one" and worrying about how others perceived me. Did I even know who I was? I started to wonder if marriage was something I actually wanted or just something I was conditioned to want.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved romance. I ugly-cried my way through the movie Love Story when I was 16, and I'll still drop whatever I'm doing to watch Sleepless in Seattle or Pretty Woman. In middle school, I scribbled Mrs. Lindsay So-and-So on my Trapper Keeper next to little hearts and stars. I even went through the typical boy crazy phase at one point, much to the chagrin of my parents who encouraged me to focus on school and dance. And to this day, there's nothing I love more than a good wedding. I was recently the maid of honor at my cousin Kristen’s wedding where I broke down in tears mid-speech because I was so genuinely elated for her.
But despite my penchant for great love stories, the truth is, I never imagined how mine would play out. I never pictured my wedding day—not the dress, not the venue, not even the groom, nothing. I also never thought about what a life with someone else would look like, and while I have thought about having children, it hasn't been within the context of a traditional, nuclear family.
So a few months ago, I decided to try something new: I stopped actively dating. Sure, I’ve gone out for drinks here and there when the opportunity has presented itself and I’ve even let my friends try to set me up, but I’ve relinquished any and all expectations. I’ve gone into these encounters without putting the hope of a longterm relationship front and center—without making marriage the goal.
Being honest with others is hard, but being honest with yourself is even harder. However, as soon as I admitted to myself that marriage wasn’t something I wanted to actively pursue (at least not right now), I felt free—maybe for the first time ever. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, like I didn't have to try so hard any more. The truth is, I love my life as is, and throughout the past few months, I’ve learned there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking the road less traveled. In fact, I’ve recently had some of the best solo adventures of my life, like when I jumped off the side of a boat into the Adriatic Sea with complete strangers and danced my way through Monaco simply because I could.
Will I get lonely one day? Maybe. Will I change my mind in a few months and get back on Match.com? I'm not ruling it out. But I've decided to cross that bridge when I get there.
Some of my friends ask what covering weddings is like when you’re single by choice. Do I ever get sad? Do I ever get sucked in? Do I ever wish I were married? At first I was hesitant about my new role, but as the months have passed, I've realized it's not that complicated. I’m an editor. I always have been. Throughout my career I’ve covered many different beats ranging from the performing arts to celebrity gossip and everything in between. It’s my job to research various topics and relay that information to readers in the best, most digestible and entertaining way possible. Keeping a boundary between my job and my personal life is something I’ve always made a top priority. This task is no different.
As an editor, there’s nothing more exciting than watching a piece of content come to life, and if anything, covering weddings has made me appreciate a good love story even more. And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll write my own, if and when the right person comes along. Anything is possible. But in the meantime, you can find me right here under my byline on InStyle.com giving you all the information you need to plan the wedding of your dreams. Just promise to send me an invitation, k?