Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
August 17, 2017

There’s nothing worse than when you get dumped and three weeks later, the dumper calls you and is all like, “Hey! Just calling to catch up.”

I mean, are you really calling me because you want to catch up? Why do you want to catch up? Do you have anything LEGITIMATE you’d like to say to me? Or are you just trying to torment me? Bring me back into that dark hole of utter debilitating sadness?

I’m a self-proclaimed Belieber. True story: I made my boyfriend of three years purchase me Bieber concert tickets for my birthday last summer. Shockingly, he stayed with me after I made this request. I could not have been more excited to listen to Biebs's heavily teased new song “Friends.” So today, when I escaped the office to sit by the Hudson River for my own personal listening session, I was prepared for my next "What Do You Mean" moment. 

Like the creepy dude on Headspace tells me to when I meditate, I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes. 

And then: A replay of every a—hole ex who made annoying phone calls post-breakup began playing. He wanted simply to “see how my cat, Gracie, was!” or “how the new job is!” He passed a restaurant that made him "think of me but really was just saying hi."

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Think I’m being crazy? Fair. But read the lyrics and tell me you’re not mad. And I’ll be the first to admit if I’m wrong, but I have the sneaking suspicion JB isn’t too concerned about this mysterious ex’s mother’s career status.

I was wonderin' 'bout your mama

Did she get that job she wanted?

So that car that gave her problems

I'm just curious 'bout her, honest

Girl, you wonderin' why I've been callin'?

Like I've got ulterior motives

No, we didn't end this so good

But you know we had something so good

So I'm wondering, can we still be friends? (oh-oh)

Can we still be friends? (oh-oh)

Doesn't have to end

And if it ends, can we be friends?

Can we be friends?

Can we be friends?

Can we be friends?

Wonderin' if you got a body

To hold you tight since I left

SCREECH NOISE! HOLD UP! You're wondering if I have someone sleeping next to me? Holding me tight? You want to know the answer? NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS. You might be asking: But what if the singer was the dumpee in this scenario? In which case for your sake, Biebs—and in a slightly less all-caps tone—stop pretending you want to be "friends." That's never going to get you what you want.

Otherwise, let's return to my angst: I thought we were talking about becoming friends! I was all like, 'Could I be friends with him? Could I do it?' And now you're asking me who I'm bedding? I can hardly make out the underwhelming melody of this song over all that mixed messaging. Which is why, no, we cannot be friends.

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Wonderin' if you think about me

Actually, don't answer that

Girl, you wonderin' why I've been callin'?

Like I've got ulterior motives

No, we didn't end this so good

But you know we had something so good

So I'm wondering, can we still be friends? (oh-oh)

Can we still be friends? (oh-oh)

Doesn't have to end

And if it ends, can we be friends?

Can we be friends?

Can we be friends?

And if it ends, can we be friends?

Girl, you wonderin' why I've been callin'?

Like I've got ulterior motives

No, we didn't end this so good

But you know we had something so good

So I'm wondering, can we still be friends? (oh-oh)

Can we still be friends? (oh-oh)

Doesn't have to end

And if it ends, can we be friends?