February 26, 2017 @ 7:00 PM
As the host for tonight's Academy Awards ceremony, Jimmy Kimmel did not hold back on the jokes—not that we expected Kimmel to play it safe (it's the biggest night in Hollywood, after all!).
The late night host's dry-as-paper delivery translated perfectly to L.A.’s Dolby Theatre. He spent the opening monologue singling out some of our favorite stars and, ahem, public figures in the most savage and best way possible. Note to self: Don't get on Kimmel's bad side, because he will effortlessly ream you out, along with a healthy dose of humor, so it doesn't sting too badly.
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"I've never been to the Oscars before but the way you people go through hosts, it'll probably be my last."
"The country is divided right now; I'm not, I can't do that. There's only one braveheart in this room, and he's not going to unite us either. You look great, Mel; I think the Scientology is working."
"I would like to bury the hatchet with someone I've had issues with: Matt Damon. I've known Matt so long that when I first met Matt, I was the fat one. And we've had problems. He's a selfish person, those of you who've worked with him know it. Matt could have starred in Manchester by the Sea. He could have taken that role for himself, but he didn't he gave it to his childhood friend, Casey. But he didn't he took on a role about a Chinese ponytail dude instead."
"I want to say thank you to President Trump. I mean, remember last year when everyone thought the Oscars were racist?"
"14 nominations for La La Land, one for every year Damien [Chazelle] has been alive"
"Of all the 'great' actors here in Hollywood, one, in particular, has stood the test of time for her many uninspiring and overrated performances ... everybody, please join me in giving a totally undeserved round of applause, will you? From her mediocre early work, to her underwhelming performances in Kramer vs. Kramer... Even more amazing that she wasn't in a movie this year, we just had to have her here. The highly overrated Meryl Streep, everyone."
"Nice dress, by the way, is that an Ivanka?"
"Before we go any further: If you work for CNN, the New York or LA Times, please get out. We have no use for fake news.If you work for an organization with the word 'Times' in it... even Medieval Times. I need you to leave the room."