The fifth episode of American Horror Story: Hotel brought a whole new meaning to the term "You are what you eat." The episode, titled "Room Service" opened up with Alex Lowe (Chloë Sevigny) at work as a pediatrician caring for a young boy, Max Ellison (Anton Lee Starkman), who has measles. Unfortunately for her, she starts to realize that it's pretty hard to work in a hospital amongst all that blood when you are a newly turned vampire who is starving to drink, and she winds up in the closet with the blood bags, having herself a bit of a snack between shifts. When Max goes into respiratory failure, Alex takes her own blood and injects it into his bag of fluids, which consequently saves him, but also almost instantly turns him into a vampire.
In the meantime, Donovan (Matt Bomer) and his mother, Iris (Kathy Bates) who is also new to the vampire scene, head over to Ramona Royale's (Angela Bassett) house to chat. The ex-movie star saunters down the stairwell wearing a red silk nightgown and the mother-son duo manage to convince Ramona to use Iris as their "inside man" to watch the Countess's (Lady Gaga) every move.
Iris returns to the hotel and begins complaining to bartender Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare) about how she is damned to a life of eternity as a miserable, lonely woman. Liz pours her a bloody triple sec martini, and tells her the story of how she ended up at Hotel Cortez. She once was a married man from Topeka named Nick Brier, who loved to dress in woman's clothing while in his hotel room during business trips. On one trip, while Nick had on a white slip dress and a beautiful black fur coat, the Countess showed up and gave him the confidence to take on a new identity as Liz Taylor. She gave him the small task of going to get ice from down the hall, and when he ran into his old business friends who mocked him, the Countess slit their throats. She left Liz with her famous words of wisdom: "Goddesses don't speak in whispers, they scream."
While this whole story unfolds, Max, the new, young vampire kills his parents before heading to school for his class's Halloween party dressed like a cute little pirate. He winds up turning his good friend Madeline into a vampire and they kill a few teachers and turn the rest of the class as well—creating a school lockdown and an army of young bloodsuckers.
In this episode, John Lowe (Wes Bentley) is not having nearly as much fun as the others. After his lovely dinner party with the ghosts of serial killers' past from last episode, the detective is believed to be having some kind of psychotic break, and he is fired from his job. He wakes up after a night of drinking with Hypodermic Sally (Sarah Paulson) in his bed.
Iris's newly gained confidence from her chat with Liz Taylor has prompted her to give a few sassy young hipsters a piece of her mind. Justin (Darren Criss) and his well-dressed girlfriend arrive at Hotel Cortez to escape the trick-or-treaters on Halloween night. Justin claims, "their neighborhood used to be rad, but now it's like strollerville." After requesting some crazy high-maintence room service (paté and cooked romaine), Iris shows up with cat food and winds up killing them before they get to the second course.
The episode ends happily, however, when Alex tucks her towheaded vampire child into his glass coffin with a monogrammed pillow beneath his head. The two lay there in what could only be the coldest cuddle ever, as their bodies are only 75.5 degrees. When the end credits begin rolling, we are left questioning whether or not poor John Lowe is actually going to be driven mad, or if the army of vampire schoolchildren will show up and wreak havoc before anything else can happen. We can't wait to tune in next week to find out!
Catch American Horror Story: Hotel on FX, Wednesdays at 10 p.m. ET.