After NBC announced Wednesday that Today show co-host Matt Lauer had been fired due to a complaint of sexual misconduct, Variety published the results of a two-month-long investigation that included additional allegations brought against him by former and present female staffers.
Among the revelations: According to the report, morning news powerhouse once bought a female colleague a sex toy, exposed his penis to another unsuspecting female employee in his office, and had a hidden button installed under his desk that allowed him to lock the door discreetly without getting up, ensuring privacy.
You'd think that such a button would have raised eyebrows for everyone from the executives who okayed it to the coworkers who noticed it to the handyman who installed it. But then again, maybe NBC's executives were thinking of the totally innocuous and legitimate reasons to keep a secret lock-in button next to your stapler.
We can think of exactly seven:
1. Sometimes the paparazzi manage to make it past your building's lax security. You are Taylor Swift.
2. The office's 2013 game of assassins was so damn competitive, it's still ongoing. Most people who've been eliminated don't even know this, but you, Al, and Lauren from HR are in heated competition for that W. It's hard for other people to understand just how jittery this makes you. Sometimes, you hear footsteps in the hallway and instinctively drop to the floor and hide.
3. You are Let's Make a Deal host Monty Hall. People like to think that contestants choose which door to open based on chance alone (or superstition or whatever), but sometimes they crack one open to spot where the big prize is when you're not looking.
4. There is an inconveniently located moat between your desk and your door. You could jump over it when you want to make a private phone call. But ugh, amiright?
VIDEO: Louis C.K. Admits Sexual Harassment Allegations Against Him "Are True"
5. You have an injury that makes it difficult to move freely between the door and the desk. Annoyingly, you are working on files that constantly vacillate between so-secret-no-one-can-barge-in-on-them and closed-door-but-not-quite-locked-door status.
6. You have agreed to wear a wire in order to incriminate the leader of a massive drug-trafficking ring who also sometimes has meetings with you in your office. Once he finds out what's going on, he may run.
7. The floor is lava.
At time of publication, there was no indication that any of the above circumstances characterized Lauer's tenure at NBC; we will update this post if we find evidence to the contrary.